


You Can't Fly These Wings

by 97adrenochrome97



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Desert Island Fic, Friendship/Love, M/M, Male Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-01
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-05 12:19:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15863484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/97adrenochrome97/pseuds/97adrenochrome97
Summary: Okay, so this is a slightly older story, and I realize some of the things that happen in it probably seem pretty 'convenient' for the characters. But that's only because the thing I was focusing on was their relationships and dynamics in the situation, and not necessarily why they are there! So, there's an excuse for my lazy plotting I guess :)





	1. Introductions

Brendon’s eyelids are beginning to feel heavy; ready to shut down on him like the day is coming to a close and it wants to take him with it. The sun is setting and the air is steadily growing colder, though not enough to be unpleasant just yet. Maybe by some people’s standards, but that’s the least of their worries right now. The sand is still warm underneath him, but the waves lapping at the shore, closer and closer now, will not be. He should probably move back, but then not getting wet feet isn’t the top priority either. 

‘This is surreal…’ one of them mutters. He’s obviously finding it hard to accept because that’s the third time he’s said aloud what’s written so obviously all over his face. His eyes are focused steadily on the sea, and have been since he sat down, but his bottom lip trembles every so often, so he’s not as emotionless as he seems. Or maybe he just can’t help it.

‘This kind of thing doesn’t happen,’ he says, louder this time, but he’s evidently not convincing himself of anything, and Brendon wonders why he’s keeping it up.

‘Maybe it’s fate,’ he suggests, and the other one shifts, but his face doesn’t change. 

‘Don’t talk to me,’ he says, and Brendon turns his head and stares up at the sky again.  
‘What’s your name?’ he asks after a minute or two, but he gets not answer. The only sound is the waves. He’s starting to grow sick of them already and their relentless in and outing. The beach is meant to be relaxing, and that’s with the abundance of other people, unaware of the amount of noise they’re making. Brendon likes that sound. The sound of the beach alone is no longer pleasant, and it’s only been a couple of hours.

‘I’m Brendon, in case you’re wondering,’ he says into the still evening air, and this time he turns his head again to see if he gets any sort of reaction. Everything remains where it is; people and objects alike, and the silent figure doesn’t move or speak for a long time, until Brendon’s about to give up and go. 

Then he says, ‘It’s Ryan.’

Brendon blinks for a moment or two. ‘Ryan… That’s your name…?’

Ryan doesn’t dignify him with a spoken answer or any further sign. Brendon doesn’t mind though – he’s gotten far enough for now. He’s just about to get up anyway, when there’s the sound of voices and the other ones are back; the blue eyed one and the one with dark hair. They weren’t as hesitant to share names, and Brendon likes them both so far. Spencer’s nice and Jon’s funny – or at least they were. This situation somehow isn’t right for jokes or pleasantries at the moment.

Brendon sits up, brushing the sand off of him, and absent-mindedly straightening his fringe. ‘What’s up?’

Jon bites his lip, glances at Spencer, who shrugs, looks at the ground. 

‘Walkie-talkie’s broken, so…’ Spencer begins tentatively, and Ryan laughs bitterly. The other three ignore him.

‘Looks like we’re stuck then,’ Brendon says, in a tone he hopes tells them he wants reassurance. 

‘Seems that way,’ Jon agrees, and Spencer doesn’t look up. Ryan stays where he is, with his back turned, but his head goes down, resting on his knees. 

‘At least we have shelter,’ Spencer reminds them, trying to sound optimistic, but when he glances behind them at once was, he looks sad again. 

‘Man, this sucks…’ he sighs this time, and as Jon does little more than give his shoulder a pat, Brendon feels like he needs to be the upbeat one here. 

‘Someone’s going to notice you’re gone,’ he says calmly, getting stiffly to his feet. ‘Obviously, and we’re not going to be difficult to find… surely…’ He’s losing his reassuring tone already. ‘Someone…’

‘I was never that great at keeping friends,’ Spencer says evenly, looking somewhat resigned. ‘Sure, someone might notice, but they’re not going to do anything about it.’

‘That’s not true, there must be someone who’ll do something,’ Brendon argues, but he now he’s also lost his ever present optimism as well, and he’s already missing it. 

Spencer gives him a wry smile. ‘Not even the people who care are going to find us all the way out here.’

Brendon looks helplessly at Jon, but only gets a shrug in return. ‘Don’t look at me – I told everyone not to come looking for me even if I did go missing.’

Both Brendon and Spencer look at him a little curiously, but they are greeted by just another shrug. ‘It’s not an interesting story…’

Brendon sighs. ‘Well no one’s going to come looking for me either so I guess we’re screwed…’

Jon and Spencer don’t ask. They don’t even give him a look. They’re both looking past him now, and he turns too. Ryan is still sitting hunched over his folded legs, and Brendon wonders if he was even listening to their conversation. Is it worth asking? Spencer seems to think so, because he slowly approaches him and the sits down in the sand too. Jon glances sideways at Brendon, obviously experiencing similar doubts.

‘Did you get him to talk at all?’ he mutters and Brendon scratches the back of his head. ‘He said his name was Ryan. That’s it.’

Jon shrugs again. ‘It’s a start.’

They both step closer to hear the exchange, but it appears Spencer hasn’t actually asked him yet, and Ryan’s obviously not about to start the conversation. Brendon shifts his weight onto the opposite leg and glances at Jon again, to get more of an idea what he really looks like. He hadn’t taken much in at first. It hadn’t really been the time. There’s still a moment or two where he can remember the initial feeling, and being so high up. It had been so exhilarating – he hadn’t been about to try and get to know the other passengers at that point.

Jon suddenly looks round at Brendon, while he’s still in the moment and gives him a wry smile. ‘Why are you staring at me?’ he asks, but he’s more amused than disturbed. Brendon blinks and turns away, fighting a grin. 

‘No reason,’ he says, staring out at the sea again. The sun is barely visible anymore, and there’s more of a breeze in the air than before. It’s not cold, but it’s certainly not warm and he pulls his jacket a little tighter around him, tugging the hem at the back down again with one hand where it always rides up. He wishes he had a scarf or something.

‘So you’re Ryan?’ Spencer says suddenly, reminding Brendon focus on the situation at hand again, and to see that Ryan still hasn’t changed position. There’s a short pause.

‘Yeah,’ Ryan says flatly, and Brendon wonders how Spencer knew his name. 

‘Did you happen to hear any of our conversation?’ is the second question and after a moment, Ryan nods.

‘Yeah,’ he repeats, and they can all find a proper answer in his tone, and the way he pulls his knees up further. 

‘Alright, don’t worry about it,’ Spencer says, giving Ryan’s shoulder a light pat. 

‘I wasn’t going too,’ Ryan mumbles into his knees and Spencer’s hand stays where it is for a moment, while he glances back at Jon and Brendon. Brendon shares the feeling, but unsurprisingly, Jon just shrugs. Then Spencer retracts his arm and climbs to his feet again.

‘I guess we’re on our own for the foreseeable future,’ he says simply, and he doesn’t sound unhappy about it. In fact his expression gives nothing away – he appears as emotionless as Ryan. Maybe it just rubs off on people.

‘I have some gear,’ Spencer continues, absent-mindedly starting to chew the corner of his thumbnail. ‘And, yeah, we have shelter. I guess we’ll just have to see how it goes.’

‘Sounds like you have it sorted,’ Brendon says, trying to sound as encouraging as possible. They could all do with that right now. It’s almost dark. The sun has set. Brendon feels like when dawn breaks again, things will be better. But he could be wrong. He’s was wrong about how his day was going to go certainly. It’s almost funny how it turned out, but then he remembers he’s trapped on a seemingly deserted island with three other guys he barely knows and the clearly out of order hot air balloon taking up the beach behind them isn’t going to be flying anytime soon. They’re trapped, as Spencer says, for the foreseeable future.

What a catch flying was, Brendon thinks. Crashing? Not so much.


	2. Happy Families

The sun rises with a cool sea breeze and Brendon watches it with a smile on his face, and feels it pleasantly on his bare skin. It could get pretty hot Spencer had said, and they should all be careful exposing their skin too much, but when it’s this early there’s no harm in taking his shirt off briefly. He doesn’t know why he feels so optimistic. He had been hoping things would be better on a new day, but this is just him. The others are still asleep.

The basket section of the balloon was flipped over when they “Landed” and it makes a pretty fantastic shelter. Brendon looks back at it now, still slightly impressed that luck and physics did that for them. Of course lucky isn’t the word anyone else has used yet, but it could be worse. It could be so much worse.

It’s fairly dark on the inside, almost pitch black, but it’s warm and waterproof, and Brendon’s happy that they at least have that. It belongs to Spencer really, the balloon, but since they’re all in it together now, and they no longer need flown anywhere – that would be impossible anyway – Brendon can think of it as theirs. The group. The family even. He smiles a little, imagining who would be who in that set up, but maybe he’s kidding himself assuming they’re some sort of a unit now. Spencer’s fine, but Jon seems kind of distant, and that’s nothing compared to Ryan, who didn’t even want to come inside last night. He actually said at one point that he was fine sleeping on the beach, even when they told him the tide was going to come in a lot further and he would probably drown. Spencer convinced him eventually, and Brendon hopes he wakes up in a better state.

Jon comes over and joins Brendon some time later, and he certainly looks like he’s feeling more positive. He smiles at Brendon and even bothers to start the conversation first.

‘Didn’t Spencer say it would get really hot?’

Brendon shrugs at this. ‘Spencer says a lot.’ Jon just grins again and nods.

Spencer himself gets up after them, but he doesn’t get a chance to sit down before Ryan comes stumbling outside as well, blinking in the daylight. Brendon doesn’t think he looks much more hopeful about their current circumstances. 

‘Are you okay Ryan?’ Spencer asks, as he’s the closest. Ryan just makes a not committal head gesture, avoiding eye contact as he hurries past them all, without a second glance or an answer. Spencer watches him it down where he was yesterday and Brendon can tell he wasn’t the only one who could see Ryan shaking.

‘He was twitching a lot in his sleep,’ Spencer remarks, looking hesitant to sit down. ‘I don’t know… Maybe he was dreaming?’

Jon doesn’t look overly concerned. ‘Should we try and talk to him?’ he suggests even so, and Spencer starts nibbling his thumbnail again. ‘Maybe…’

‘I’ll go this time,’ Brendon says, climbing to his feet. He’s not wary of Ryan. He’ll come out of his shell eventually; he just needs more normality around him. Spencer nods.

‘Okay… Yeah, okay,’ he agrees indecisively. Brendon isn’t sure what that means, but he just takes his chances and strolls nonchalantly down the beach, to where Ryan’s hunched over his knees again, long skinny arms wrapped around his long skinny legs. He’s not shaking anymore; in fact he’s barely trembling, but Brendon feels like, psychologically, things can’t wear off that quickly, and he might as well ask.

‘Sup,’ Brendon greets him casually, as he sits down in the sand too. Ryan doesn’t respond. Brendon isn’t deterred though.

‘Are you… okay?’ 

Again, Ryan doesn’t respond. But just when Brendon’s about to try again he turns his head. ‘Which one are you again?’ he asks, and he’s actually looking. Brendon tries not to feel self consciously aware of the fact that he has someone else’s eyes scanning him up and down. It’s certainly not the first time people have looked at him this much, but somehow it matters more with Ryan.

‘Brendon,’ he says, and he smiles. Maybe they’re getting somewhere, and being friends doesn’t seem like such a ridiculous prospect now. But then again, maybe they’re not about to be best buddies just yet. Ryan gives him one last, slightly distasteful look and then turns back to the sea. 

‘Leave me alone, Brendon,’ he says, earning a sigh of resignation from Brendon himself, who senses he should leave it at that. 

‘Alright, suit yourself,’ he mutters, and climbs to his feet again, feeling quite disheartened. He’s a very social person, and always thought he had some kind of way with other people, but Ryan’s quickly disproving that.

‘He doesn’t want to talk to me,’ Brendon says, trying not to advertise his obvious disappointment as he walks back up the beach to join Jon and Spencer. Jon just tuts, but Spencer frowns, looking a little concerned, and as soon as Brendon sits down he heads down to the shoreline himself. 

‘You have to feel for him, don’t you?’ Jon says, and Brendon smiles, because even though he was just thoroughly rejected, he can’t help but agree.

‘Spencer or Ryan…?’ he says even so, meaning it as a joke but Jon rolls his eyes. ‘Spencer, obviously. Ryan needs to get a grip.’

Brendon gives him a sideways glance and then hangs his head as Jon’s expression doesn’t give anything away. 

‘Yeah… Maybe you’re right…’ he sighs. His fast fading positivity has abandoned him on the desert island with three strangers again. 

Jon looks round at him, and Brendon can see him shift slightly in his peripheral vision. ‘You have to feel for you too sometimes, Brendon,’ he says, almost sighing, but when Brendon looks up he grins and puts an arm round him. ‘You’re the one keeping our spirits up.’

Brendon grins back, seeing another side to Jon all of a sudden. He’s not quite as detached as he first appeared and it’s nice to have someone care about his feelings for once. He’s a little happier, even though Jon retracts his arm when Spencer walks back up to them again.

‘Ryan’s fine,’ he says calmly, his voice light and even. That could mean anything. Spencer’s not necessarily a liar, but Ryan’s not definitely fine. 

‘What did he say?’ Brendon probes, but Spencer just shrugs. 

‘Not much. Let’s not talk about him anyway. He’s okay.’

Brendon wishes again that he was the one getting Ryan to open up. He wishes he didn’t feel so jealous of other people’s friendships. He’s not alone – they’re all in this together. And he doesn’t pick favourites. He feels towards all three of them just the same. It’s just with Jon and Spencer it was easy. 

‘You should put a shirt on or something, Brendon,’ Spencer says suddenly, looking nervously up at the sky. He’d be the mum in their little dysfunctional family, Brendon decides, and stands up.

‘Alright,’ he says cheerfully, glancing out at the sea one more time. ‘If you say so.’

Spencer smiles at him briefly and then turns as well. ‘It’s going to be a warm day…’

‘Warm’s good,’ Brendon counters, because to him that’s not a bad thing. Spencer gives him another brief smile.

‘Okay, Brendon.’

It’s not an agreement. He’s just letting him hear what he thinks he wants to hear. Brendon opens his mouth, but Jon suddenly nudges him in the back of the ankle and gestures with his head when Brendon looks down.

‘Go get a shirt, Brendon. Do what Spencer says.’

He’s like the dad, Brendon decides, but he likes Jon so he does as he’s told, kind of wishing he didn’t have to be one of the children. That would make Ryan his brother. But maybe Ryan isn’t part of the family at all. Brendon doesn’t think of them as a unit quite so much now. It’s sort of Ryan and Spencer, and Jon and him. Though when he comes back outside in a t-shirt this time, Spencer is sitting down now, and he and Jon are talking to each other. So maybe Spencer’s just likeable and Jon only felt sorry for him. Brendon suddenly feels like he doesn’t fit in to this arrangement anymore.


	3. Forest Escapades

Spencer has supplies. He was their driver, so to speak, and being in charge he was equipped with plenty of food and other basic necessities. The only thing they are really lacking in is fresh water and they’re going to need that. Spencer was right about the weather. Only, warm was an understatement. 

‘There’s bound to be a stream here somewhere,’ Spencer says, and he sounds uncharacteristically confident. Jon doesn’t look very convinced, but he’s up and ready to help, so maybe he has more faith than his expression shows. Brendon’s all set too. There’s an excess of forested ground further up, if you go past the balloon and none of them know quite how far it stretches. They only know the beach. He’s more than ready to discover what the woods have to offer them, and god he’s thirsty. Spencer does have some water with him, but he’s saving it for later when they really need it. That’s what he says anyway. 

Ryan is still sitting on the sand further down, watching the tide slowly move out. He’ll probably be staying here, Brendon thinks, but Spencer seems to think it’s worth trying to convince him.

‘You think he’ll want to come with us…?’ Jon asks doubtfully, like it’s the last thing that could possibly happen. Brendon in particular can understand his reservations.

‘He has too,’ Spencer says firmly, as he sets off down the sand, though he pauses at Jon’s words. ‘We should stick together, and anyway why should we do all the work?’

‘Good point,’ Brendon says to no one in particular as Jon shrugs again. ‘I guess…’

Brendon finds himself wondering what Spencer’s actually doing. The only time they all heard him speak to Ryan was that first time last night, and as he genuinely said about two consecutive words then, Brendon can’t help but assume he’s doing more than that now. Why else would Ryan listen? It seems odd. He’s certainly down there longer this time, and he and Jon both start getting impatient.

‘I don’t see why Spencer bothers giving him special treatment,’ Jon says, twitching a little. ‘I mean, what is he even achieving?’

‘He must be getting him to talk a little bit,’ Brendon counters, though he was thinking along the same lines. Jon snorts. 

‘That would be a miracle,’ he says, and there’s definite sarcasm in his tone now.

Brendon shrugs and tries not to feel too jealous. ‘Maybe he just likes Spencer.’

‘Don’t we all?’ Jon mutters, but he relents a little when he looks back again, obviously reading Brendon’s face. ‘It’s okay. He doesn’t like me either.’

‘You haven’t even tried talking to him,’ Brendon replies, wondering why this is getting at him so much. Jon stays looking at him for a moment and then shrugs.

‘True. But I’m not going to try anytime soon. I’d much rather talk to you anyway.’

It restores Brendon’s belief that he has a way with people, because Jon is always nice to him. He of course likes Spencer as well, but there’s an obvious disliking for Ryan and a tiny bit of Brendon feels wickedly happy. 

By looking down, he can see that Ryan’s still sitting in the same position, but Spencer’s on his feet again, and Brendon can tell by the way he’s walking he’s not particularly happy. For a moment it looks as though he maybe didn’t get through to him this time, and Brendon can tell Jon’s thinking the same thing. They’re both suddenly waiting with baited breath, but within a few seconds Ryan jumps up and runs after Spencer. He catches hold of his wrist for a moment, and Brendon obviously can’t hear what they say to each other, but that seems to be it. Spencer comes back up to them, looking mildly triumphant with Ryan in step just behind him. Brendon feels a familiar stab of jealousy, but he’s taking that for granted now, and he can ignore it if he wants.

‘Are we ready to go then?’ Spencer enquires, and he sounds a little out of breath. Brendon nods, Jon shrugs. Ryan says nothing and avoids eye contact, choosing instead to glance wistfully over his shoulder and back to where he was sitting. Maybe he’s regretting coming with Spencer already. Brendon watches him a little apprehensively, but he’s apparently not going to act on it and they all set off at the same time. 

It’s at least shady under the covering of trees, but the air is hot and humid and it almost feels tropical. It seems like it goes on for a long time all round, and Brendon initially worried that they would get lost but Spencer already has that covered. He has coloured tags in his rucksack and he sticks one into a tree every so often so they’ll be able to find their way back. It’s clever, Brendon thinks. He’s glad Spencer sort of takes charge, because he has no idea what they would do without him instructing them. Jon keeps in step with him, but he lets him lead when they don’t know where to go, and Brendon does the same. Ryan stays just behind, keeping his distance. 

Jon will glance occasionally at Brendon, sharing a smile or a frown depending on their current situation, and they have a couple of brief exchanges out loud, but mostly they walk in silence. Spencer will glance at them all every so often and check everyone’s okay, rarely verbally, but if he feels it’s necessary, he’ll ask. The only other things he says are usually warnings or directions. He seems to know so much and it’s almost as if he’s been preparing for this moment his entire life. Brendon doesn’t really know what flying a hot air balloon involves, but maybe that’s just part of the training.

Predictably, Ryan says and does nothing. 

In Brendon’s opinion, it’s actually quite pleasant in the forest and if he wasn’t about to die of thirst, he would be quite content. He’s not sure about the others, but Spencer soon becomes a bit tetchy and Jon stops looking at Brendon so much. Ryan doesn’t appear to be feeling anything, but that’s nothing new. They eventually grind to a halt.

‘Okay,’ Spencer starts, and he sounds really out of breath now. ‘We need to split up and branch out. I thought it would be best to stick together, but we’re not getting anywhere like this. There are the markers, so you can’t get lost all that easily.’

‘About time,’ Jon says, showing obvious relief at the suggestion. ‘How do we go about this then? Do we all split up?’

Spencer shakes his head. ‘No. I think we should split into twos, and if we’ve still found nothing after fifteen minutes or so, we should split off separately. Something like that, we can make our own judgements at the time.’

No one questions him, and Brendon stops too wonder how they’re going to split up. He isn’t sure who he wants to go with. Jon and him are buddies, but he would feel safer with Spencer. Ryan obviously isn’t an option. 

Spencer had had two bottles of water before, but as one of them is almost empty now, he tops it up with the full one until they both hold about the same amount. 

‘We can both take one of these,’ Spencer says unnecessarily, and then gives Brendon a stern look. ‘But don’t drink it all at once.’

Brendon rolls his eyes cheerfully. ‘Are we going to do this or what?’

‘Yeah, we should. Before it gets any hotter,’ Jon says, and he takes a surreptitious step sideways. ‘I’ll go with Spencer. Then you can go with Ryan, Brendon.’

He’s only doing it for Brendon’s sake. Brendon knows because when he gives him a look he gets a sly wink in return. Maybe he paid more attention to them then they had first realised, and he realised Ryan’s unfriendliness was preying on Brendon’s mind so much. 

‘But I want to go with Spencer!’ Ryan says instantly, and as it’s the first time he’s actually expressed an opinion they all look at him. He blinks, obviously realising what he sounds like. ‘I just… maybe…’

‘Maybe I should go with Ryan,’ Spencer says for him, suddenly looking doubtful, but Jon’s determined to make Brendon happy it seems. That, or he just really wants to go with Spencer himself.

‘No come on, Ryan and Brendon don’t know each other that well. It will be a good chance for them to get acquainted,’ Jon says. He doesn’t mention that he and Ryan have even less knowledge of each other, and Brendon doesn’t either, though maybe he should. He’s already kind of wishing Jon wasn’t forcing this upon them. It will probably only make it worse.

‘Okay,’ Spencer says, suddenly and agreeably. Brendon finds himself wishing he wasn’t in this situation. He would feel so much safer with Spencer, and Jon at least talks to him.

‘No, Spencer and Ryan should go together,’ he says quickly, trying not to sound too panicked, but even Ryan gives him a look now.

‘What?’ he protests, feeling extremely unsettled. He catches Jon’s eye, giving him a slightly pleading look, but only gets a quizzical frown in return. He’s stuck now.

‘You’ll both be fine,’ Spencer says reassuringly, and he hands Brendon the second bottle of water. ‘Just work together and keep an eye on where you are. We’ll see you later.’

And before Brendon can physically try and stop them or Ryan can protest again, they’ve disappeared off together. There is no sound except for the occasional rustling of leaves here and there.

‘I… um… I guess we’ll just have to work it out ourselves then,’ Brendon starts hesitantly, waiting for Ryan to respond to him, but he doesn’t say anything. They’re both obviously a little unsettled by their current predicament, Brendon thinks.

‘Right…?’ he prompts, and his unexpected teammate finally snaps out of it.

‘We don’t have to talk to each other.’

‘Right,’ Brendon repeats, accepting it just like that. He shouldn’t have expected anything more.

They head off in the opposite direction, walking in complete silence. Brendon can tell there’s something bothering Ryan, but he assumes it’s probably his company and ignores it until it becomes evident he needs something else.

‘Do you want a drink?’ Brendon offers eventually, and Ryan shakes his head.

‘You should, you haven’t drunk anything yet,’ Brendon says, trying to sound encouraging without being patronising. Ryan hesitates a moment longer, but he’s obviously realising he’s being stupid now.

‘Fine,’ he mutters, without making eye contact and reluctantly takes the bottle from Brendon’s hand. Their fingers brush for a moment, but Ryan pulls away as soon as he feels the contact and Brendon wants to sigh. Ryan holds it in a different way when he gives it back so that it won’t happen again. Brendon feels reluctant now.

‘Are you sure? You barely drank anything,’ he says, but Ryan keeps his arm extended. ‘Spencer said we should save it.’

‘Yeah, but you’ll get dehydrated. And I’ve already had way more than that. It’s only fair,’ Brendon replies and Ryan hesitates a second longer. 

‘Okay…’ he says after a moment, and he takes a proper drink this time. Brendon smiles, because right now it feels like a victory.

‘Which way do you think we should go now…?’ he asks, and Ryan shrugs. ‘Whichever.’

Brendon scratches the back of his head and sighs. ‘God, I don’t know. You would have been better off with Spencer here.’ If he’s hoping for some sort of reaction or reassurance, he   
doesn’t get it.

‘Let’s keep going this way,’ Ryan says shortly, and he moves off swiftly, ducking under a low hanging branch. Brendon hesitates a second and then goes after him. They walk in silence for some time again, and fifteen minutes could have passed but Ryan doesn’t suggest splitting off and Brendon doesn’t correct him. About five minutes from then, Ryan abruptly stops.

‘What is –‘Brendon starts, but Ryan shushes him. 

‘Do you hear that…?’ he says softly, and as he’s not mumbling noncommittally into his shoes for once, Brendon doesn’t even think about the question at first.

‘Uh… sorry, what are we listening to?’

Ryan looks like he’s deeply concentrating for a moment, and then he smiles. For one single second, he smiles sunny and open, changing his face completely. Then he turns away and sets off again. Brendon follows, feeling bewildered.

‘What is it Ryan?’

Ryan doesn’t answer him until he’s stopped again. ‘Water…’ he breathes, and when Brendon comes right up behind him, he’s right. There’s the stream, right in front of them, clear and sparkling and cold. They both stand still for a moment and then Brendon whoops and brushes past Ryan without a second thought, because never has water looked so inviting.

There’s suddenly a shout from somewhere not far off, so Jon and Spencer must have heard them. Or maybe they found it too.

‘We’re over here, guys!’ Brendon shouts back, and in the next brief moments it takes for the other two to appear he takes the chance to glance back at Ryan, almost wishing for some snide comment. Anything at all to let him know he actually exists.

But Ryan’s already staringwistfully back the way they came, and if he feels the look he’s getting, nothing encourages him to glance up to and catch Brendon’s eye.


	4. You've got A Friend in Me

It isn’t cramped in the balloon, but it isn’t big either, and Brendon gets kicked more than once during the night. He waits for it to happen again before he sits up, and when his eyes have adjusted slightly he can see it’s Ryan twitching in his sleep again. Spencer said he did that and Brendon wonders if he should maybe wake him up or just leave him how he is. He decides to leave it for now, but if he gets kicked one more time then he doesn’t really have a choice in the matter. 

It doesn’t take very long.

‘Ryan?’ 

Brendon says it a little snappier than he meant to, because he’s actually irritated when he sits up. He should be a bit quieter, but then again if he can’t sleep, why should the others get to? He doesn’t need this right now.

‘Ryan?’ he repeats, giving him a gentle shake this time and finally he gets a decent reaction. Ryan stirs suddenly, and then sits up, breathing hard.

‘What –‘he stops short, obviously trying make out who it is. Brendon reaches out and touches his arm, to try and be reassuring, but he flinches away.

‘It’s okay, it’s me, Brendon. ‘You kept kicking me, so I thought I’d –‘

‘Guys, what are you doing?’ someone mumbles. Spencer, Brendon thinks.

‘Nothing. Go back to sleep.’

They don’t, and when they sit up, it is Spencer. He blinks a bit and then frowns. ‘Brendon, what are you doing?’ he whispers, sounding almost irritated. Brendon feels wrongly accused.

‘Nothing, Ryan was kicking me. I was just going to wake him and stop him –‘

‘Well you should have left him. Or woken me up first,’ Spencer interrupts, and Brendon sighs inwardly.

‘Okay, I’m sorry. Sorry Ryan.’

‘It’s fine,’ Ryan mutters, but it’s obvious he’s not really listening to either of them, and when Spencer tells him to go back to sleep he does so without a word. Brendon lies awake for a long time, and when Ryan kicks him again, he just moves closer to Jon and leaves him alone. Jon nudges him with his foot, but it’s more of a comfort than an annoyance, and  
Brendon suspects he might be awake anyway. But whether or not he heard the whole exchange, he doesn’t give anything away and Brendon eventually falls into a light and troubled sleep.

*

It’s cold the next day, but Brendon’s still down by the shore when Spencer approaches frowning slightly, arms folded tightly across his chest. Brendon glances at him briefly, but then stares out at the sea again. There’s a pause.

‘You should come inside, Brendon, it’s freezing out here,’ Spencer says, and his teeth are chattering a little. Brendon doesn’t get cold that easily, but Spencer’s right. Even Ryan admitted defeat and stayed inside. That’s partly the reason Brendon’s out here.

‘It’s not that bad. I’d rather be here than cooped up inside,’ he supplies, his tone clear and concise. Spencer’s silence obviously means he gets it, and Brendon thinks he’ll probably go back inside now. But he doesn’t. He goes a little closer, and then hesitantly starts, ‘Sorry if I was a bit unfair to you last night.’ 

Brendon doesn’t say anything, so he continues. ‘I just felt bad for Ryan because he seems to have trouble sleeping… and that’s all. I’ll go now.’

‘No, it’s okay,’ Brendon says, just as Spencer turns away. ‘I probably should have thought of that.’ He grins to show Spencer they’re all okay now, and Spencer smiles back.

‘Are you coming in then?’

Brendon shrugs. ‘I don’t know… It’s kind of nice out here.’

‘I thought you liked it warm.’

‘I do. But this is good in a different way,’ Brendon says, and he grins again when he catches the look on Spencer’s face. ‘It’s not that bad.’

‘Alright…’ Spencer says sceptically, raising an eyebrow, and turning to leave again. Brendon could just let him, but he can’t quite resist.

Spencer gasps and his arms go up as the cold water soaks through the back of his jacket. Brendon bites back a grin as he slowly turns around again, because his face makes it totally worth the risk.

‘Oops,’ Brendon says cheerfully, shrugging his shoulders in mock innocence. Spencer stays frozen for a moment. 

‘That was very cold…’

Brendon almost laughs out loud, but he stays composed to see what’s going to happen. ‘Are you going to get revenge or what?’

‘Alright, you want to fight dirty…’ Spencer mutters, ducking down. He’s obviously practised keeping water contained in his hands before, because he can hold a lot more than Brendon, and when he straightens up again, he grins.

‘You can apologise now and I’ll let you off,’ he says and Brendon rolls his eyes. 

‘Yeah, like a little water’s going to –‘he doesn’t get to the end of his sentence, because Spencer throws it in his face before he can. It’s the very last thing he was expecting, though he was really asking for it.

‘Oops,’ Spencer grins, looking a lot smugger than Brendon’s ever seen him before.

‘That was freezing!’ he snaps back, and kicks the next wave at him this time. If he’s expecting Spencer to kick back, he’s not disappointed and when they both get back up to the balloon, soaked through and shivering, Jon and even Ryan, give them a funny look.

‘Been swimming have we?’ Jon says, with a quizzical smile, and Brendon just laughs. Spencer catches his eye for a second and then looks away, grinning.

‘Brendon started it.’

*

Bits of Jon and Spencer’s conversation keep floating back to Brendon as he rifles through Spencer’s rucksack, trying to see what kind of stuff he actually keeps in here. 

‘My fingers aren’t working properly,’ says Spencer.

‘Then let me try, I said already,’ says Jon.

They’ll still be talking about lighting the fire, Brendon thinks, because Spencer produced matches from his bag about five minutes ago while they were setting up, and that’s what gave Brendon the idea to see how much is actually in there. Spencer won’t mind.

‘But I set most of it up, how come you get all the glory?’ says Spencer.

‘So, we have to wait until your fingers thaw out before the rest of us can get any heat?’ says Jon. He’s just teasing now, and it’s almost flirty the way they’re speaking. It’s such a petty argument, Brendon thinks. His hand finally gets a hold of something familiar and he pulls it out triumphantly, turning round just as Spencer gives in and Jon strikes the first match.

‘Spencer, you had vodka in here all along and you didn’t tell us?’ Brendon exclaims, keeping a firm grip on the bottle. Spencer rolls his eyes, rubbing his numb fingers. 

‘It’s for emergencies, in case I run out of lighter fluid. Have you been rifling through my stuff?’

‘Yeah,’ Brendon says, a little sarcastically, and he sits down next to Jon, who gives him a distrustful look. The fire blazes into life at his fingertips. 

‘I can imagine all too well what you’d be like drunk, Brendon, and I don’t think it’s a good idea.’

Brendon laughs at him. Jon’s probably right – he’s already feeling slightly tipsy, so he takes a chance. ‘I think we should get Ryan drunk,’ he says a little overconfidently, but he’s in a good mood.

‘No way,’ Ryan says flatly, from his back on the opposite side of the fire from them. It’s at least an answer, Brendon thinks, and definitely worth another try.

‘Why not?’

‘Because he doesn’t want too,’ Spencer says and then bites his tongue quickly. They already agreed he needs to stop answering for Ryan and let him fight his own battles. Brendon’s definitely thinking of that, and he’s aiming to start something as he scrambles suddenly to his feet and then dives on top of Ryan, taking all of them by surprise.

‘Brendon!’ both Jon and Spencer exclaim at the same time Ryan gasps. Brendon just laughs at them, and this evening he’s happy to feel Ryan kicking him. At least he’s fighting back.

‘Get off me, Brendon!’

It’s extremely amusing to hear Ryan’s voice go up like that, but Brendon untangles himself and rolls off even so, still laughing as Ryan scrambles back. He’s staring at Brendon, his cheeks slightly flushed, and it’s nice to see he can express such a human emotion as embarrassment. Jon is fighting back a smile, and Spencer’s mouth has dropped open, but Brendon barely notices. 

He stares back at Ryan, still grinning, and for a moment he thinks he’s going to get a smile back.

‘You gave up pretty quick…’ Ryan says hesitantly, and Brendon thinks it’s a joke. He sits up again.

‘You were no match for me. It would have been unfair,’ he counters cheerfully. Ryan just pulls his fringe back into place and then crosses his legs. He shifts away a little, but he’s essentially sitting next to Brendon and not complaining. That makes two of them then.

‘You know that was really dangerous this close to the fire,’ Spencer says, still looking a little shell shocked and Brendon laughs again. 

‘Give me the goddamn bottle, Jon.’

‘I think that’s the last thing you need right now,’ Jon says, grinning a little. ‘But I should probably give it to you before you tackle me too.’

*

Brendon knows he’s probably grinning too much, but he can’t help it. And it’s not because he’s drunk. In actual fact he drank about two sips and then Spencer snatched the bottle off him.

‘Stop it Brendon, you’ll make yourself ill!’

It might have been more than two sips. But Jon and Spencer probably had an equal share. Ryan was eventually forced to have a little, but he only took one mouthful and after swilling it thoughtfully about his mouth like he was testing a fine wine, he spat it out.

‘It's really gross,’ he had said simply and they hadn’t tried again. The last Brendon had seen of the bottle anyway it was pretty much half full, but now it was gone and he suspected Spencer had hidden it again though he couldn’t understand why. He had to admit he felt drunk, but he had done most of the evening anyway. Maybe it was the soaking he had gotten earlier. Maybe he was just getting ill from that and it was making him delirious. At least he felt happy. And that was a lot because of Ryan. All they had actually done was sit next to each other, but the fact that he wasn’t moving away had made Brendon hopeful, and then he’d actually started talking. Not all that much, just here and there to things Spencer said and he would reply when directly asked something. He had even laughed once and it was a sound Brendon hoped he wouldn’t forget in a hurry. He may never hear it again.

Jon had started humming something some time ago, and Spencer had joined in, and now they’re both singing. Brendon doesn’t know the song, but he scrambles to his feet, because it’s been a long time since he’s felt this much like dancing.

‘Ryan, come dance with me,’ he says eagerly, offering his hand, but Ryan shakes his head. 

‘No thanks.’

‘Come on, just for a second,’ Brendon begs, and Ryan just shakes his head. There’s not a chance he’s going to get up now. Brendon starts feeling deflated again.

‘I’ll dance with you, Brendon,’ Jon says gamely, clambering up and Brendon happily settles for that, because he’s just taking things one step at a time. 

Spencer drums on his knees and Jon keeps singing along while he capers about with Brendon, and all the while Ryan stays still. But he’s watching them all at least, and he doesn’t look quite so out of it for once. He could almost be considered content.

When Brendon eventually runs out of energy and flops back down onto the sand, Ryan doesn’t even twitch. Brendon turns his head and grins at him again, and he smiles back. But it’s not quite right. It’s brief and strange, like the kind of smile you give to a stranger. Ryan’s not a stranger to Brendon, but who knows what it’s like vice versa. Maybe they’re all just strangers stuck together again. 

Why don’t you like me Ryan? Brendon wants to ask, but he holds back, deciding this might not be a good idea. He’s tired out now anyway and he falls asleep where he is, just comfortable with the remaining heat from the campfire. He wakes up when it’s still dark because Ryan kicks him again, and the fire if almost dead by this time. Brendon can see that Jon and Spencer are both asleep over at their side when he sits up, and Ryan’s once again twitching in his sleep.

Brendon watches him carefully for a moment, and he’s tempted to wake him up again, but maybe that’s not a good idea. Instead he shifts closer, and then lies down again wrapping a cautious arm around his sleeping form and holding him still. There, that works for both of them. 

Brendon falls asleep again with Ryan’s hair in his face, and the sound of his now even breathing lulling him like the sea.


	5. The Boat That Tips

‘Brendon?’

Brendon’s on a boat, and it was fun at first, but now there’s a storm and it keeps persistently rocking back and forth, making him feel slightly nauseous. He shakes his head because he wants to stay where he is. They’re trying to take him away, but if he listens he won’t ever get out of this. If he stays clinging onto the edge where it’s warm, the storm will lift. 

‘Brendon, wake up.’

It’s not a storm, it’s a person; shaking him insistently and making him feel seasick. And he’s not on a boat, he’s on the ground, though he is clinging onto something, and it’s giving off an unnatural amount of heat for a lifeless object. The sides of his ship are made of wood, and they don’t move by themselves.

‘Brendon, wake up.’

They’re getting impatient now, and Brendon forces his eyes open, blinking up at the daylight. Jon looks down at him, frowning a little.

‘About time. Come on, get up.’

‘Why…?’ Brendon mumbles, trying to separate himself from the thoughts of boats and waves and storms. Though it’s difficult when he can still hear the sound of the sea and he feels somewhat anchored down. He’s so ready to just fall asleep again, but Jon’s looking expectant now. It’s too late, he opened his eyes and now he can’t escape from the morning.

Though he woke up squinting against the light, the sky is actually a dull grey colour, except for the odd dark clouds that stand out in a somewhat sinister manner. Maybe there really will be a storm.

‘Brendon?’ Jon reminds him, and he actually tries to sit up this time, but it’s no good.

‘I can’t, I’m stuck,’ he says helplessly, all set to just close his eyes again.

‘No you’re not, just push Ryan over,’ Jon says, and Brendon suddenly remembers. Of course. Ryan. He exists. As do Jon and Spencer. I’m not sailing alone, he thinks and then realises that’s he’s not sailing at all. The last bit of the dream slips away and he’s finally awake.

‘Okay, give me a second…’ he mutters, reluctantly, pulling his arm out from underneath Ryan with some difficulty. He is surprisingly heavier than he looks, but in a good way. It’s like the weight is there to remind Brendon he’s actually real.

‘Give me your hand,’ Jon says, but it’s more of a command than a helpful offer. Brendon grudgingly rolls away from the warmth and lets Jon pull him unsteadily to his feet.

‘What is it…?’ he asks, still in a slight state of confusion. Jon puts his finger to his lips.

‘Don’t wake the others. We’re going for a walk.’

‘A walk…? Why?’ Brendon asks. Jon takes hold of his arm and pulls him away from the remains of the campfire. 

‘Because I want to,’ he says calmly, with a half shrug, and then seems to think about it. ‘I mean, you don’t have to come, if you don’t want to.’

It’s a cold morning, and the sky is still an unattractive dark grey. Brendon feels muddled, like he left half his brain sleeping with Ryan and the other half still wants to join it. He feels like he’s swaying slightly still, like the sand underneath his feet could somehow morph back into the boat of his dream world. But Jon isn’t some unruly storm about to capsize him. He’s his friend – and he looks like he could do with some company.

‘No, I’ll come with you,’ Brendon says, not completely against his will. ‘Just let me grab my jacket.’

Jon smiles pleasant and open, and Brendon can tell he’s genuinely happy. It’s fine; it makes him feel good to cheer Jon up. Sometimes it seems like he could do with it. He does what he set out to do, and though even with his jacket on, the temperature doesn’t seem to change, he doesn’t complain and his answer doesn’t change either.  
Jon leads the way and they walk in comfortable silence for some time. Brendon is happy with that, because truth-be-told, he could fall asleep again right now, and it’s nice to not have to make conversation sometimes. They go right up the beach and straight into the forest, occasionally picking out one or two of Spencer’s markers, though they’re not looking for the stream. Brendon vaguely notices they pass by it at some point, but Jon doesn’t stop so he just continues following and doesn’t question it.

Only when they come back out of the forest at the other side of the island, does Brendon realise how early it is. The sun is just rising behind the sea, shedding its light thinly through the thick air. The sand on this side, Brendon thinks, it’s much and such the same as the other, and he sits down contentedly and crosses his legs. Jon joins him a second later.

‘I don’t know why we’re here really,’ he says. Brendon just blinks his heavy eyelids and says nothing.

‘I just felt like going for a walk. And I thought I’d try and wake you up,’ Jon continues, and that makes Brendon feel good. It’s nice to know he’s someone’s first choice. Well it was, until Jon continues with, ‘I did try Spencer, but he was dead to the world.’

Brendon’s still so tired that second choice is just fine. 

‘It’s nice here,’ he says feelingly, though it’s exactly the same as the other side. Jon glances round at him, grinning slightly.

‘Are you properly awake now, Brendon?’

‘Course,’ Brendon replies; returning the smile. But he’s already slipping away again. The boat is waiting for him, but the warm side has gone and he has nothing to cling onto anymore. He’ll have nothing to save him if the storm comes back.

‘Brendon?’

‘Yeah?’ Brendon says, eyes snapping open again. Jon raises an eyebrow. ‘You were almost asleep there…’

‘No,’ Brendon defends himself, lying down on his side. ‘This is just comfortable…’

‘Brendon?’

His boat starts tipping dramatically again, and he tries to grab the edge, but there’s still nothing there to hold onto. He starts awake suddenly, and this time it’s for real.

‘Come on, we better get back,’ Jon says, looking a little more urgent this time and Brendon rubs his eyes groggily, and sits up. There’s a dull headache building up behind his forehead.

‘But we only just got here…’

Jon laughs a little nervously. ‘You’ve been asleep for nearly an hour,’ he says.

‘What? Oh god, we better get back before Ryan and Spencer wake up!’ Brendon exclaims, scrambling to his feet, but almost losing his balance in his haste.

‘Calm down, Brendon. It’s not that important,’ Jon says, standing up a lot more slowly, and stopping to brush the sand off them both. Brendon shivers, glancing back at the trees impatiently. He doesn’t feel all that well as they set off, and Jon must notice, because he starts too look decidedly uneasy. He has to ask eventually.

‘Are you okay, Brendon?’

‘I’m fine,’ Brendon says, and he’s okay. He’ll survive. He’s just wishing Jon had woken him up sooner with every step. But then suddenly, abruptly, Jon stops, and Brendon bumps into him before he can stop too.

‘Sorry –‘he starts, about to push forward, but Jon extends his arm, holding him back. 

‘Stay where you are, Brendon.’

‘What? Why…?’ Brendon protests, but as soon as he looks over Jon’s shoulder he has an answer for himself. There’s a snake in their path. 

‘Oh…’ he says slowly, not really sure what he was expecting. ‘Is it… I don’t know, dangerous?’

‘Dangerous?’ Jon repeats, as if he’s hearing some sort of foreign language. ‘It’s beautiful.’

Brendon looks again, and Jon’s right, it is. The pattern and the colour and the overall look are all lovely. It’s a pretty snake, but it’s stopping him from moving forward and he doesn’t trust it altogether. Anyway, Jon hasn’t really answered his question.

‘Jon, is it dangerous?’ he repeats loud and clear, but even so it still takes his friend a minute to answer, and when he does it’s not in any way reassuring.

‘Oh yeah. It wouldn’t kill you, but you still wouldn’t want to get bitten by one of those. We’ll have to be careful,’ Jon says, in a calm and matter of fact way, and keeping a tight grip on Brendon’s arm, they both step past it and get away unharmed. Brendon can’t help feeling like it’s not the last time they’re going to see it though. It unsettles him more than he’d like to admit. Jon glances back at him and then gives his arm a gentle squeeze.

‘We’ll be back in a minute. It’s okay.’

He’s right and wrong. It takes them less than a minute to get out of the forest, but it’s not okay. As soon as they arrive at the camp, Spencer rounds on Jon, furiously.

‘Where the hell have you been?’

Jon blinks; looking a kind of taken aback by Spencer’s angry tone. He could have said anything to clear it up, but he makes a mistake and shrugs.

‘Just for a walk,’ he says nonchalantly. Brendon starts to feel worse. He glances behind him, and Ryan’s sitting where he was last night, watching them all with obvious unease. He doesn’t catch Brendon’s eye.

‘Just for a walk? Is that all you can say? Why didn’t you tell us you were going?’ Spencer demands; obviously riled by Jon’s answer.

‘I thought you’d be asleep still, it wasn’t a big deal,’ Jon replies, still acting infuriatingly indifferent. Spencer clenches his fists where they’re hanging by his sides. 

‘Why did you have to take Brendon with you?’ he exclaims, and finally he gets an obviously irritated reaction out of Jon. Brendon takes several cautious steps back.

‘What? Why not?’

‘He’s obviously still half asleep, and you dragged him up at the crack of dawn to go for a walk! Why?’

There’s an unpleasant churning in Brendon’s stomach, and their angry voices are making his head hurt. He backs away further, and an ankle suddenly gives way for a moment, causing him to stumble. But someone suddenly steadies his arm, telling him to be careful. 

‘It’s alright, Brendon,’ Ryan says calm and even, and it’s a voice Brendon’s never heard him use before. He can only half smile at the sound.

‘Thanks, sorry, I’m –‘

‘Don’t talk,’ Ryan says, but he’s expressing to Brendon he doesn’t need to explain, rather than trying to shut him up. ‘Come on, sit down.’

Brendon does as he’s told in fact, he lies down with his head on Ryan’s lap, and the nausea slowly passes over as he closes his eyes again.

‘See, you’re okay. Just ignore the others…’ Ryan murmurs, and though the buzz of Jon and Spencer’s voices are still there in the background, they aren’t such a problem. Not when Ryan’s speaking to him and stroking his hair and trying to make him feel better.

Brendon doesn’t mean to, but he must have fallen asleep, because when he wakes up to the expectant silence around him, Ryan’s gone and he can’t help wondering if it was just a dream anyway. He closes his eyes again and the boat gives one last sickening jolt, and then completely tips over, plunging him into darkness.


	6. Things That Go Bump In the Night

Jon and Spencer don’t speak to each other all that long cold day. In fact, Jon doesn’t speak to any of them. He goes off into the forest soon after the argument and Brendon wonders if he’s actually going to come back at all. It starts to worry him a little bit, but Jon reappears about midday, though he’s still supressed into silence. Spencer acts like he isn’t there the whole time, and at first Brendon wonders if he’s annoyed with both of them, but Spencer starts talking to him as soon as he wakes up, and that’s pretty much it for the whole day. It’s nice at first, because he’s acting kind and concerned and any other time Brendon would love it, but somehow it seems like it’s only to get at Jon. Brendon keeps trying to catch his eye, because he isn’t sure if he’s just angry at Spencer or all of them, but he doesn’t get any sort of confirmation.

Then about mid afternoon Jon gets up and goes off down the beach to join Ryan in his usual spot in the sand. That’s when Brendon knows he’s really annoyed, because he’s never even really spoken to Ryan before. In fact, he made it quite clear on several occasions that he disliked him, and that he thought he was needy and should get a hold of himself. But now he appears to be talking to him like they’re the best of friends, and Brendon doesn’t realise it, but he’s half hoping Ryan will reject him as well. He doesn’t seem to though, and Jon stays down by the shore with him the rest of the day.

Spencer glares at them occasionally, and doubles his efforts to be nice to Brendon. ‘If he hurts Ryan as well, I’m going to be so…’ he mutters under his breath, but never gets to the end of his sentence, before he starts biting his nails. 

‘It doesn’t look like they’re having a bad time…’ Brendon says, a little wistfully and Spencer shakes his head. 

‘No obviously not. That’s how it is then,’ he says through gritted teeth. ‘That’s just fine.’

Brendon starts chewing his nails as well. It takes a little while, but eventually Jon and Ryan both get up and start heading towards them, and Brendon wonders if this is finally a peace offering. Maybe we can all be friends, he thinks, but no such luck. The two of them swerve left long before they near the camp and go off towards the forest together. If Spencer was hoping for the disagreement to end as well, his face doesn’t show it, though he stands up and calls after them.

‘Ryan??’

Ryan hesitates and turns his head at the sound of Spencer’s, frankly quite frantic voice, but Jon takes a firm hold of his arm and keeps on walking. Brendon remembers that feeling and he sighs tiredly as Ryan looks away and continues on his chosen path.

‘Ryan?’ Spencer calls again, but he’s giving up on him now. Brendon wishes Ryan could see his face, because then maybe he would change his mind about what he was doing. But he can’t and he doesn’t, and Jon leads him off into the forest. It’s not like he’s doing so with evil intent, but Brendon realises it’s like betrayal for Spencer, and that’s just as bad.

‘There are snakes in the woods,’ Brendon says hesitantly, and Spencer shakes his head irritably. 

‘Well that’s their problem.’

Brendon sighs again, and decides that pretending to sleep is easier than trying to make conversation. He doesn’t think he should be tired anymore, but he falls asleep within five minutes, despite the lack of warm comforting Ryan.

*

‘Brendon…?’

Brendon remembers the days where he was the first up and there wasn’t always someone insistently shaking him, and trying to take him away from the comfort of sleep.

‘Brendon?’

Brendon wonders for a split second if it could somehow be Jon, and everything is okay again, but when he opens his eyes it’s only Spencer.

‘What is it?’

‘Come on, we need to go find the others,’ Spencer says, distractedly glancing away from Brendon and straightening up. It’s late evening now, and the sky is growing darker by the second. There’s a cold wind when Brendon stands up, and once again his jacket is useless against it.

‘What’s happening…?’ he asks a little helplessly, and Spencer shakes his head, looking frustrated. ‘We need to find Jon and Ryan. They haven’t come back yet, come on.’

‘Oh, okay,’ Brendon says, waking up somewhat. There’s a cold chill creeping down his spine now, and he wishes he could somehow stop the feeling of unease that’s slowly becoming worse by the minute. They should be back by now, he thinks, and though he’s trying his hardest not to feel worried, that thought remains. They should be back. They should.

Spencer forges ahead swiftly, and Brendon has to run to catch him up. Even then it’s difficult keeping pace with him, and he jogs every couple of steps so he doesn’t fall behind again.

‘Where did you and Jon go?’ Spencer asks suddenly, and it takes Brendon a second to process the question. 

‘Oh, um, we just went to the other side of the island.’

‘Right,’ Spencer says decisively. ‘Can you remember the way you went?’

‘Uh, maybe,’ Brendon says, not altogether helpfully, he knows. Spencer seems to trust him though.

‘Right,’ he repeats. ‘We’ll go that way.’

Spencer has a torch, fortunately. Otherwise it would have been almost pitch-black in the forest, and the thought of snakes was still playing on Brendon’s mind a little bit. He was more worried for him and Spencer than Jon and Ryan, because Jon seemed to know about snakes, but then maybe Spencer did too, and Jon seemed a little too fascinated by them. 

‘Spencer, have you seen any of the snakes here before?’ he asks, stopping in his tracks, but Spencer pushes him forward, keeping the torch steadily on the path in front of them. 

‘No,’ he said, not helping Brendon’s anxiety at all.

‘Jon said they were dangerous, but maybe he just doesn’t know…’

‘He’s talked to me about snakes before,’ Spencer says, keeping one hand on Brendon’s shoulder as they walk. He isn’t leading for once, and this seems to be his way of keeping some control. ‘He seemed to know his stuff.’

They continue to walk in silence.

‘Spencer –‘

‘Keep walking, Brendon.’

It’s a nice way of saying shut up. Brendon does as he’s told, and stays quiet. They walk on and on endlessly, until Brendon’s sure they’re lost even though he’s leading the way. he doesn’t say a word to Spencer, because he’s supposed to be keeping track of where they are and he doesn’t want to show how completely useless he is. It’s pointless anyway; they get to a certain stage, where Spencer just sighs and says, ‘We’re lost aren’t we?’

‘Maybe,’ Brendon admits hesitantly, unsure of what to expect. Spencer just goes, ‘Hmm…’ and doesn’t say anything else for a moment or two. They’ve both come to an indecisive stop.

‘Do we keep going?’ Brendon asks. Spencer shrugs. 

‘I don’t know…’ he says, and then starts to say something else, but before Brendon can understand it, he stops. 

‘What’s that…?’ he whispers, and Brendon listens expectantly. 

‘Go look, there’s a torch.’

‘Guys, guys is that you?’

‘Brendon?’

‘Spencer?’

The jumble of confused voices, getting nearer and nearer, are wonderfully familiar, and within moments, Jon and Ryan descend on them out of nowhere.

‘What are you doing here?’

‘You had a torch? That would have been handy.’

‘It’s so late, god!’

‘We got so lost!’

They’re both talking at the same time, sounding relieved and out of breath, but they’re both grinning, and Brendon can tell Spencer’s as taken aback as him.

‘Where have you guys been?’

Jon glances sideways at Ryan, and they both grin before he looks back. ‘Just to the other side of the island. You remember, Brendon. We were going to stay ages and freak you guys out, but then it got dark really quickly, and we got totally lost!’ he says all in a rush, and Brendon’s just glad he sounds like the old Jon again.

‘Yeah, it’s lucky you came looking for us, otherwise we probably wouldn’t have found the way back at all!’ Ryan joins in, still grinning, though his teeth are chattering slightly. Brendon doesn’t think he looks very scared, but he doesn’t have the heart to tell him they’re lost too. Not when he’s saying so many words at once.

Spencer still hasn’t said anything, but he reaches out and touches them both, maybe to check if they’re really there, but he recoils in a second. 

‘You’re soaked Ryan!’ he exclaims, and Ryan bursts out laughing. It’s such a strange and unnatural sound from his mouth, and Brendon pokes his other arm, just to check it’s the real him. He is soaking.

‘Jon pushed me,’ Ryan says, turning to grin at Jon again, who jumps to defend himself. 

‘You pushed me first!’ he exclaims, in mock outrage. ‘I just wasn’t the total idiot who fell over with one measly shove!’

‘I wasn’t expecting it!’ Ryan protests, and he’s almost bouncing on the soles of his feet. He looks elated, so happy. It’s not an emotion Brendon’s used to seeing him have. 

‘You’re going to freeze,’ Spencer says slowly, scratching the back of his head. ‘We should get back quickly…’

‘We’re not stopping you, just lead the way,’ Jon says cheerfully. He looks like he’s on cloud nine too. 

‘Yeah…’ Spencer says slowly, biting his lip. ‘The thing is we’re kind of lost as well…’ He glances at Brendon, who pulls a face and then they both look at Jon and Ryan, who look a bit unsure now. 

They stay silent for a further few seconds, and then all four of them burst out laughing at the same time.

‘This is not funny,’ Spencer splutters, trying to sound annoyed, but it’s not working on anyone. Brendon knows it’s almost nervous laughter. He knows they’re lost in the forest, in the dark, where there are possibly deadly poisonous snakes, or worse and that the strangeness of it all is making them slightly hysterical. He knows if he wasn’t laughing he’d be crying, and that’s how bad it really is. But it’s just so funny. Even when they’ve eventually run out of breath it still seems absurdly hilarious to be where they are. 

‘Right, we need to get out of here before Ryan gets pneumonia,’ Spencer says eventually, and that almost sets them off again, because Ryan getting pneumonia is somehow a funny image. 

‘Stop, let’s go now,’ Spencer says, a little more urgently this time, and they finally stumble off in the most hopeful looking direction. If one of them does the slightest thing, they still all collapse into feeble laughter, but Brendon knows it’s not funny now. Ryan can’t stop shaking, even though he looks so cheerful. 

By some miracle they happen upon one of Spencer’s markers and from there it’s a short easy walk to get back to the camp.

On arrival, Brendon thinks, they could just get into the shelter and fall asleep, but Spencer insists on lighting the fire, and that’s probably a more sensible idea, though it takes a lot longer than just going to bed would. Ryan’s still adamant that he’s fine and they have to force him out of his jacket and t-shirt, to swap with Spencer’s sweatshirt. He’s the only one of them that has a hoodie and a coat, so it’s the obvious choice, but Brendon can’t help feeling that he probably would have given it to Ryan even if it meant he would just be in a t-shirt himself. He looks slightly worried now. 

The fire gets going again with minimal effort, and though Ryan continues shaking, it’s obvious he’s a bit happier in dry clothes. He looks happier in general, Brendon thinks, and he wonders if Jon just makes people happy. He hasn’t actually spoken directly to Ryan himself, and he isn’t sure if he would react in the same as he always does, or if he would make an exception.

Jon’s acting strange as well, to a certain extent anyway. He’s just like normal Jon, except he’s talking to Ryan and laughing at Ryan and vigorously rubbing Ryan’s arm to restore some heat there. It’s odd, Brendon thinks, he always used to be Jon’s favourite and now Ryan seems to have taken that roll over. 

Spencer’s still tending to the fire, but he keeps giving them all little glances, as if to check they’re all still there. As if they would leave him again anyway. Brendon didn’t notice at first, but Jon keeps looking over as well, and he catches Spencer’s eye at last. Maybe he feels bad, because he opens his mouth and then closes it again before settling for, ‘Do you need any help?’

Spencer looks back at the fire, but he’s smiling slightly. ‘Sure, why not?’ he says and Jon gets up and leaves Ryan’s side to go join him. It’s just Brendon sitting next to him now. 

‘You still look pretty cold,’ he says tentatively, shifting closer, and Ryan grins, open and happy, though his gritted teeth are chattering still. Spencer’s hoodie is slightly too big for him, and he looks oddly younger without his cord jacket and V-neck t-shirt.

‘Yeah, I kind of am,’ he says, almost sarcastically, but not in an unpleasant way. Brendon gives him a slight smile, and then shifts sideways so he’s right up close and can carry on where Jon left off. He isn’t one hundred percent sure Ryan will appreciate it coming from him, but he’s being so normal anyway it’s worth a try. 

Jon and Spencer are otherwise engaged in conversation, but Brendon’s happy to just sit in the warm in silence and try and heat Ryan up. He can feel himself finally relaxing again, because everything has gone back to normal, and he and Jon and Spencer are all friends, and a few seconds later Ryan leans his head on Brendon’s shoulder as if to confirm that they’re friends now as well. He could almost just fall asleep right now, though of course Spencer eventually looks over to check them again, and then he asks Ryan if he’s any warmer and their whole position has to change in order for him to answer apparently, but it’s okay. It happened.

It’s Jon’s idea for them to all just sleep outside again – or Brendon thinks it is anyway. By this point he’s half asleep already, lying in the warmth with Ryan squashed up against him, not altogether comfortably, but he’s not complaining. Spencer agrees they might as well, and that’s the last thing Brendon remembers before he loses consciousness. And with that go the feelings and the warmth and the nice easy atmosphere that he was hoping was here to stay.


	7. Rain

All the good feeling is gone by the next morning. Ryan’s still there, but he’s rolled away from Brendon and his turned back says it all even though he’s probably still asleep. Spencer’s awake, and Jon’s awake, and they’re still sitting next to each other, but it’s obvious some of the old resentment is back from yesterday. Brendon doesn’t know why. There shouldn’t be. Everything was fine before. He sits up anyway, and they both give him a smile, but it’s forced. 

‘Morning, Brendon,’ Spencer says, and Jon makes half hearted noise. 

‘Morning…’ Brendon returns hesitantly and then glances round at Ryan. ‘Is… what… uh…’ He might as well ask. ‘What’s going on?’

‘Nothing,’ Spencer says, and he manages to look amused. ‘What do you mean?’ He doesn’t look at Jon, and Jon says nothing. Brendon could just leave it, but he wants to know.

‘That’s not true though, something’s up,’ he says stubbornly, and Jon rolls his eyes. 

‘Leave it Brendon, there’s nothing wrong.’

‘No but, there is,’ Brendon pushes, and then thinks for a moment. ‘I’ll wake up Ryan if you don’t tell me.’

‘Be my guest…’ Jon mutters, but there’s a decent reaction out of Spencer at least. 

‘Don’t Brendon, leave Ryan out of this,’ he says tiredly, but Brendon doesn’t want to leave it. He wants to know what’s going on.

‘You have one last chance to give me at least some idea or I’m going to wake him up.’

‘Let him sleep, Brendon,’ Jon sighs, and Spencer folds his arms. 

‘You wouldn’t anyway.’

‘Ryan?’ Brendon says instantly, turning round to give him an insistent shake. 

‘Brendon!’ both Jon and Spencer exclaim at the same time, and it’s not the first time something like this has happened. He doesn’t understand why the feel they have to protect him all the time. They’re just fine with waking Brendon up at all hours of the morning.

‘Ryan, wake up,’ Brendon says this time, and Ryan finally stirs. 

‘I’m awake, I’m awake, what is it…?’ he mumbles, and then slowly sits up, blinking a couple of times and then rubbing his eyes. His hair is sticking up, and Brendon goes to smooth it down, but he flinches away.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Your hair looks stupid,’ Brendon says and Ryan frowns, but he’s more confused than angry. 

‘Thanks…’

‘How do you feel, Ryan?’ Spencer asks, seeming to forget to be annoyed with Brendon in his apprehension. Ryan tugs at his fringe himself, not looking particularly grateful for the concern. 

‘Like I just woke up. Why?’

Spencer glances at Jon and Jon looks back. They both stay silent, and Brendon wants to kill them. ‘Guys, why aren’t you just telling me?’ he exclaims, but they just sigh and look away.

‘It’s nothing, Brendon.’

‘Well this looks like fun…’ Ryan mutters sarcastically, and then stands up. He stops on his feet, blinking again. 

‘What is it Ryan?’ Spencer asks, and Ryan looks irritated now. 

‘Nothing, I just stood up too fast. Would you leave me alone?’ he snaps, all set to leave, but both Jon and Spencer get up, obviously ready to prevent him. Brendon stands up too, just to be companionable.

‘You’re obviously ill, Ryan. Sit down,’ Spencer says firmly, and then suddenly turns on Jon. ‘And this is your fault!’

‘Oh right, I should have expected this,’ Jon retorts, folding his arms. ‘If you hadn’t been so angry in the first place, then maybe we wouldn’t have gone! You always have to overreact, don’t you?’

‘Do you want to talk to me about overreacting?’ 

They’re just arguing with each other now, and Brendon has a feeling Ryan’s going to take his chance and leave now, but he doesn’t, and surprises them all. 

‘Guys would you stop arguing about me like I’m not here?’ he interrupts and they both look round. ‘Yes, I have a voice,’ he says, folding his arms defiantly and Jon suddenly frowns.

‘Then why don’t you use it and defend me here, because I’m not in the wrong!’

Ryan looks a little bit taken aback, but Spencer defends him before he can say anything. ‘Oh now you’re shouting at him for no reason. That’s just great.’

‘Hey Spencer, maybe I don’t want you to fight all my battles for me!’ Ryan snaps this time, and Jon looks triumphant until Ryan continues with, ‘Maybe in the future I’ll hang out with Brendon because right now he’s the only one being reasonable!’

It’s probably the nicest thing he’s ever said, and as Brendon’s already annoyed with Jon and Spencer himself, he goes to agree, but Ryan cuts him off. ‘Don’t start Brendon, I can handle this alone.’ And that’s annoying.

‘What is your problem?’ Brendon exclaims, turning on him now, and Ryan looks surprised. They all do.

‘What…? What do you mean?’

‘I mean, why do you always do that? You act like I’m not even here, and then you talk down to me like that! Why?’

Ryan seems a bit lost for words. ‘I… I don’t do that…’ he starts, but Jon suddenly agrees. 

‘No, he’s got a point, Ryan.’

‘Right, you can stay out of this!’ Brendon snaps furiously, and Jon’s mouth drops open. 

‘What? I was defending you!’

‘But like Ryan with Spencer, maybe I don’t want you to!’

‘Right, fine,’ Jon says decisively and then turns and storms off in the direction of the forest. 

‘Overreacting again!’Spencer calls after him, but he doesn’t get an answer and Ryan sighs, and stalks off as well, back down to the shoreline. Brendon waits, glancing sideways at Spencer, because he doesn’t know if they’re friends or not. Spencer just sighs, goes back up to the balloon and Brendon sits down. That’s a no then. He wraps his arms round his legs, and looks down to where Ryan is now sitting in a similar position.

Brendon sighs too, just to be companionable. 

*

It starts raining late afternoon. Ryan doesn’t come in. Brendon watches him from inside, but he doesn’t even move. He keeps expecting Spencer to do something about it – to go and talk to him and convince him like he used to do, but he doesn’t. He stays where he is, and he doesn’t talk to Brendon either. At first.

‘Shouldn’t we get Ryan inside?’ Brendon asks hesitantly, wording it carefully so it sounds like it’s both of their responsibility. Spencer says nothing for a moment and then sighs. 

‘Like he’d listen to me now,’ he says and Brendon knows he’s got a point. 

‘But…’

‘But nothing,’ Spencer says, and he forces a smile. ‘He’s made it clear he doesn’t like us fussing over him, and it think it’s probably best if we just leave him. He’s probably just proving a point.’

Brendon doesn‘t say anything for a moment, because it makes sense and he can’t argue with that. ‘Are we friends now?’ he asks hesitantly, and Spencer laughs. 

‘I hope so.’

Brendon grins. ‘So I guess it’s just us…’

‘Yeah,’ Spencer agrees, and he’s not laughing anymore, but a smile is enough for the moment. ‘It always has been.’ 

Then they both grin at each other, because it sounds ridiculous. But at least they’re friends. That’s all that matters.

The rain continues on well into the evening. Jon still isn’t back, and Ryan still hasn’t come in and suddenly all this other stuff does matter again, and Spencer eventually gets up. ‘I’m going to go look for Jon.’

‘I’ll come with you,’ Brendon says, and he’s reluctant to leave Ryan but he feels he should help. It’s a relief when Spencer shakes his head. 

‘No, stay here with Ryan. I never thought I’d say this but you might actually have a better chance with him today.’ They both laugh again to keep their spirits up, and in a bittersweet kind of way it is funny that Ryan hates Brendon so much.

‘I’ll go find Jon, and when I come back we can all be friends again,’ Spencer says, and it’s a bit idealistic and they both know it, but Brendon smiles, agrees with him and then lets him leave. It’s slowly getting later, but the rain isn’t letting up. Ryan remains frozen and silent.

Brendon waits. He waits for a long, long time, and the rain still continues and Ryan doesn’t move. He waits until eventually, waiting becomes tiring and things have gone far enough. He gets up, hesitates, glancing over toward the edge of the forest, but there’s no sign of Spencer or Jon. What has he got to lose anyway? He makes his way purposefully down to the shoreline and then sits down in the wet sand next to Ryan. He doesn’t speak for a minute.

‘Come inside, Ryan. Spencer’s right, you already look ill. This isn’t going to help.’

‘Leave me alone, Brendon.’

Brendon almost wants to leave. He doesn’t like feeling like a burden to someone, but if Jon and Spencer can do it he can too. 

‘If you’re not coming then I’m staying out as well,’ he says, shrugging and Ryan sighs in frustration. 

‘Brendon, don’t. This is stupid.’

‘I never said it wasn’t,’ Brendon replies evenly. ‘But it was your idea in the first place.’

‘Brendon –‘

‘Why don’t you like me, Ryan?’ Brendon interrupts before the other can get a word in edgeways. He might as well ask again. He didn’t get an answer before. Ryan blinks, looking taken aback, then frowns. 

‘I told you to leave me alone,’ he says more forcefully, turning away again, shoulders hunched. His teeth are slightly chattering, and when Brendon reaches out, he can feel that the material of Spencer’s hoodie is soaked right through. Ryan flinches away.

‘Don’t touch me!’

‘Oh, you hate that don’t you?’ Brendon says, rolling his eyes, and then giving Ryan a slightly provocative push. 

‘I mean it Brendon!’

‘Oh, you mean it now? What are you going to do about it then?’ Brendon goads; grinning now. Ryan stares at him furiously, fists clenched.

‘Are you laughing at me?’

‘Maybe a little,’ Brendon says, trying not to smirk in the annoying way he could right now. It’s difficult to resist, though it’s not really funny at all. ‘Just… just tell me why you hate me. Please.’

Ryan looks a little lost for words, and then he turns away before he says anything else. ‘There isn’t an interesting answer…’

Brendon’s heart sinks a little bit, but he wants to know so he grits his teeth and asks again. ‘Just tell me.’

Ryan looks at his feet. ‘Okay, I don’t hate you,’ he says simply, his tone void of all emotion. He’s right, Brendon thinks, it’s not an interesting answer. It’s not even a real answer, but it’s what he wants to hear.

‘You don’t…?’ he says, a little disbelievingly, suddenly expecting Ryan to be playing some sort of mean trick on him, but he remains sincere.

‘Yes. There. I told you it was boring.’

‘Ryan, you don’t have to be so cold all the time. I like you. It’s not going to be a problem if you like me back,’ Brendon starts, and when Ryan doesn’t react he goes on. ‘Unless you’re lying then, this is just good.’

‘I’m not lying,’ Ryan says, and he finally looks round to give Brendon a smile. It’s not a real smile – in fact it’s his fake smile, and he’s obviously still unhappy, but it’s a start. Brendon suddenly wants to hug him, and even though he knows it’s a bad idea, he leans over to do so. For a moment it feels like Ryan’s going to stay relaxed and let him, but then the inevitable protests start and Brendon let’s him go.

‘Fine, suit yourself. You’re really not an affectionate person are you?’ he sighs, but he’s teasing now. Ryan doesn’t quite smile, but he does say, ‘That’s a lot further than I go with other people. Consider yourself lucky.’ And that’s enough. Brendon laughs at him.

‘Can we go inside now?’

‘You can do whatever you want,’ Ryan mutters, but Brendon isn’t scared of offending him anymore.

‘No, come on. I’m ordering you. It’s really wet out here.’

‘No.’

‘Right, well I’m going to sing really loudly if you don’t,’ Brendon warns, though it’s hardly a threat. Ryan sighs. 

‘Wow, what an awful prospect. I better do what you say then,’ he says sarcastically, and Brendon doesn’t bother replying. He just opens his mouth and starts singing the first song that comes into his head. He doesn’t know the title and he hasn’t warmed up, but he’s not bad at singing, and he can be pretty loud if he wants to.

Ryan looks unaffected for the first few moments, and then Brendon eventually leans right over so he’s singing right in his ear, and Ryan flinches away. ‘Stop it, okay. God you’re loud,’ he snaps, covering his ears melodramatically. Brendon laughs again.

‘I warned you,’ he says cheerfully, now in an upbeat singing mood. ‘Come on, you said you’d come in.’

Ryan dares stay still for another second, but scrambles up when Brendon opens his mouth again. ‘Okay, okay.’

Brendon stands up too, grinning in triumph. Ryan glowers at him, and then looks back at the sea, almost longingly. 

‘You can’t really like it out here, can you?’ Brendon enquires doubtfully. Ryan shrugs. ‘It’s okay. I really don’t mind the rain.’

‘Obviously,’ Brendon says, and then he shivers. ‘I don’t know… It’s kind of nice sometimes, when it’s not cold.’ He pauses for a moment, and Ryan says nothing. ‘Do you want to dance now?’

‘What do you mean now?’ Ryan says without looking at him. Brendon shrugs. 

‘I asked you before and you said no. What about now? It would mean staying out in the rain.’

Ryan does smile then, though not while looking at Brendon. ‘I can’t dance.’

‘Can I be the judge?’

‘Why do you want to dance with me?’

‘Why did I want to dance with Jon? I don’t know.’

Ryan thinks about it and then pulls a face. ‘No, you can dance and I’ll watch or something.’

Brendon grabs his hands and pulls him into a crazy spin before he can get out of it.

They don’t dance really. That’s not what Brendon would call it, but Ryan’s twists at his fingertips when he’s told to, and they at least warm up a bit. It’s probably not a pretty sight, Brendon thinks, and he would probably call the style extreme ballroom dancing, but it’s fun. He’s not sure how much joy Ryan’s getting out of it, but he half smiles obligingly whenever Brendon catches his eye. They eventually grind to a halt, completely out of breath, and Brendon doubles over, laughing.

‘Wow…’

Ryan grins and then groans and covers his face with his hands. ‘Why are we in a stupid romantic movie all of a sudden?’

Brendon laughs again, and then straightens up. He smiles at Ryan when he takes his hands away, and Ryan almost smiles back. They both stand staring at each other for a moment, and Brendon can tell Ryan’s thinking the same thing as him. They both know what happens next in the scene. Ryan looks away first.

‘I’m cold,’ he says suddenly and Brendon rolls his eyes. ‘Well whose fault is that?’

‘I never said it was yours,’ Ryan contradicts calmly. He’s staring back at the sea again and Brendon wishes he could turn his attention back to him. He seems to be able to say and do things that make Ryan relax and then he’s fun and he’s nice and it’s good, but if he doesn’t keep it up solidly, then they lose the connection again. It’s such hard work, and it all has to be down to him, because without trying, Ryan would just give up and slip into silence. There’s only been one time Ryan actually initiated the communication and that was only because Brendon needed consoling and there was no one else to do it. He doesn’t really want to be in that state again.

‘Ryan,’ he starts, but as soon as Ryan turns to face him he forgets what he was going to say. He grins stupidly. ‘I don’t know, sorry.’ He’s expecting an eye roll or a sarcastic remark, or more likely, a blank look but he doesn’t get any of these. Ryan stares at him for a moment and then he suddenly laughs, and Brendon hasn’t seen him look like this since that night in the woods with Jon.

‘What’s so funny?’

‘Nothing, it’s just, I don’t know! Let me be happy!’ Ryan defends himself, and he’s still grinning. His voice sounds so upbeat. He looks so cheerful, he sounds so normal. It’s a little bit unnerving, but Brendon manages to laugh it off and try and act cheerful too.

‘Okay, what’s the sudden mood change about?’

Ryan shrugs, but not in the way he normally does. He’s not trying to get away without giving a proper answer. He just doesn’t seem to know. ‘I’m acting like I usually do, you’re just overanalysing everything,’ he says, and he shrugs again. That’s all I can say.’

‘Alright,’ Brendon says, because he doesn’t really need to say anymore. Neither of them need to. Maybe things will get better now.


	8. Snakes

Jon and Spencer arrive back with slightly frenzied whoops of triumph, much, much later on when it’s completely dark. Brendon had been asleep, but he starts awake at the sudden sound, and Ryan snorts with laughter at his obvious jump – but then wraps his arms around him. He’s apparently okay with being like that when no one can see.

‘Let’s pretend we’re asleep, we can make up tomorrow,’ he mutters under his breath and Brendon agrees and closes his eyes again. 

‘Okay, fine. At least they’re happy.’

‘Guys, guys, guys, wake up!’

In the dark and the confusion, Brendon can’t tell if it’s Jon or Spencer, but the other one tells them to shut up. 

‘Let them sleep, dumbass! We can tell them tomorrow!’

The original voice mutters something sinister sounding under his breath, but judging by the second one’s peal of stifled laughter, it can’t have been that bad. They both subside into an obviously riveting whispered conversation, punctuated by the occasional snort of laughter, which is then followed by the other one instantly shushing them. It starts to irritate Brendon slightly, because he wants to go to sleep again, but when they’re obviously having such a good time he wants to know what it’s all about. He shifts unhappily, wriggling away from Ryan, who lets him go without a fight, though he mutters something darkly to himself. Brendon doesn’t know if it’s directed at him or Jon and Spencer. He lies awake and lonely for a few minutes then rolls back over, and even though this time Ryan doesn’t welcome him with open arms, it’s okay, because he’s at least tired now.

He’s asleep long before Jon and Spencer shut up.

*

Brendon’s half awake the next morning when Ryan very suddenly sits up, seeming to have had it with the other two eventually. He doesn’t want to open his eyes yet, but he can at least differentiate between voices now.

‘Did you sleep well, Ryan?’ Spencer asks cheerfully, and Brendon can sense Ryan’s pent up rage at the fairly innocent question. 

‘No I didn’t! Thanks for thinking about that last night!’ he snaps, but Brendon can tell he’s trying to keep his voice down. If Jon’s asleep too, then it’s for both of them, but then there’s a third voice.

‘You’ll have woken Brendon already, Ryan, I wouldn’t bother trying to be quiet,’ Jon says, and though Brendon doesn’t move at all, wanting to hear them talk about him, he’s out of luck because Jon and Spencer hassle him until he sits up as suddenly as Ryan.

‘Alright! Geez, you couldn’t let us have two minutes, could you?’

Jon looks amused. ‘Oh, so you and Ryan are “us” now, Brendon?’ he asks, and Brendon just rolls his eyes and doesn’t let on that that slipped out without his consent. He glances at Ryan to gauge his reaction, but his head is dipped and he’s not looking. He could just be being Ryan, but there’s the possibility that he’s blushing and it’s kind of nice to know that Brendon can still have that effect on people sometimes.

‘Anyway, guys,’ Spencer starts, brushing over everything and taking control of the conversation. ‘You will never guess the good news!’

You and Jon are engaged, Brendon’s brain suggests before he can think of a serious suggestion. He blinks and tries to get the image out of his head, but it’s stuck there for good now, and when Spencer tells him the actual news it’s a slight disappointment. 

‘You… um… what…?’ he says slowly, because it didn’t even register properly. ‘You’ve found what…?’

‘Where is your head, Brendon?’ Jon exclaims, rolling his eyes, and leaning over to muss up Brendon’s hair. ‘Still in the clouds with Ryan evidently.’

‘No I’m not!’ Brendon protests feebly, because for once he wasn’t thinking about Ryan. ‘I was thinking about…’ Jon and Spencer, arms linked, gazing into each other’s eyes on their wedding day. He shakes his head. ‘It… it doesn’t matter! What have you found?’

Spencer grins, glances at Jon and then gets up to go and get it apparently. Even when he brings it right over it doesn’t quite make sense to him yet.

‘Yeah… It’s a gas canister… Didn’t we already have one of those?’ he says, being sarcastic to make up for the fact he still doesn’t know what’s going on. Jon rolls his eyes, and climbs to his feet as well.

‘We found it buried in the woods,’ Spencer says, still not giving a real indication. At first, anyway. ‘It’s not ours. Ours has no gas, which is kind of why we’re stuck here. This one must have been left here by somebody else.’

‘And it’s… It’s not empty?’ Brendon asks cautiously, because now it’s slowly dawning on him. He’s being stared at like he’s an idiot, but this all makes sense now.

‘You mean… This is our way out?’

Jon and Spencer are both standing up, looking down at him. They don’t say anything, just let it sink in. Brendon slowly gets up too.

‘But… The balloon is broken…’ he says wistfully.

‘We’ll fix the balloon,’ Spencer replies and Brendon suddenly burst out laughing. 

‘Oh my god I can’t believe it!’

It’s not stupid at all that he, Spencer and Jon are all practically jumping for joy, completely over excited when it’s only a possibility, but this is the first thing that has come this close. Ryan doesn’t get up initially, until Brendon drags him, and even then he’s not as enthusiastic, but that’s just Ryan. It doesn’t strike any of them as odd at all.

This is their escape.

It takes them the rest of the day to sort out how things are going to be done, and it’s only really Spencer telling Jon, because only he knows how to fix the balloon and only Jon cares about all the technical details. Brendon joins in occasionally, but just because he’s excited and he can’t help butting in. They eventually tell him to go bother Ryan, and in response to that he rolls his eyes, but leaves them be. Though to his dismay, Ryan isn’t there. 

Brendon feels a bit wrong footed for a moment, but he doesn’t really need to go look for him or anything. He just waits, feeling slightly apprehensive, occasionally glancing at Jon and Spencer to see if they’ve even noticed, but of course they’re still caught up in their own little world. 

Just when things are starting to get worrying, Ryan appears back, coming out of the forest. There’s something a bit guarded about his response when Brendon asks him if he’s okay, but it’s still not clear what.

‘I was just getting away for a minute… It’s kind of hot…’ Ryan supplies, though he doesn’t look flushed. In fact he looks a bit paler than usual, Brendon thinks, but he doesn’t say anything because he’s probably just being paranoid. Maybe this is what it’s like in Spencer’s mind. Or what it was like. He didn’t even notice Ryan had gone this time.

‘Okay, if you’re sure,’ he says calmly, and Ryan doesn’t say anything else as he sits down on the sand next to Brendon. But it’s okay. That’s just Ryan.

*

Now things are getting to a point where Brendon likes them. Now things really are getting better. For the multiple days ahead, all the spare time they used arguing is now put to good use repairing the balloon. It’s not as bad as it first appeared, and Brendon wonders why they never bothered before, but then of course they were out of gas. It would have been pointless. It’s fortunate that Spencer knows how to do this kind of thing, because he can’t make head or tail of it, but he just does as he’s told mostly. Jon seems to pick up how things work quite quickly, and he asks Spencer questions about it like he’s really interested. They do a lot of talking, but at least they can multi task. Ryan stays mostly silent and just does what he’s told as well. He and Brendon seemed to have slipped back into old habits, but it somehow feels different. There’s none of the old resentment there anymore.

There’s not much other time to talk to each other because at the end of the day they’re all usually too tired, and go to bed before there’s time to fall out. It’s probably a good system, but Ryan doesn’t wind himself round Brendon anymore, and he misses that a little bit. He can’t even roll over to Jon because they sleep in a new order now. It used to go, Spencer, Ryan, Brendon, Jon, but now it goes, Ryan, Brendon, Spencer, Jon, and Spencer always has his back turned. It’s okay; it’s just a little lonely.

There was a moment a day or two ago where they were all sitting together, and Brendon absent-mindedly picked up Ryan’s hand, just to play with it or something, he wasn’t really sure, and Ryan had flinched away like he used to. Brendon had asked what was up, and he had said “Nothing” like there really was nothing up. Maybe there actually wasn’t. They left it at that anyway.

But all in all, things are the best they’ve been, because they’re all friends and they might just be getting of this damn island sometime soon. It’s early evening, and the sun is just beginning to set. It’s the kind of weather Brendon loves, and as he stares wistfully out at the cool sea - such a relief from the heat that’s been beating down on them all day - he thinks he might just miss this.

‘Hey guys,’ he starts, feeling like this is what they could all do with right now. ‘I’m almost glad we crash landed here. Otherwise we wouldn’t have become such good friends.’

‘Save the speech until after we’ve actually escaped, Brendon,’ Jon says sarcastically, but he’s grinning. Spencer laughs at them both good-naturedly.

‘Yeah, no I’m almost glad too. We’ve had some good times.’

‘We have,’ Jon agrees, because he always has to if Spencer becomes involved. ‘Even Ryan’s got to admit that.’

Brendon glances over to see his reaction, and they all get a brief smile.

‘Yeah, sure,’ Ryan says, but there’s something a little weird about his voice. ‘I…’ he starts, but then stops, shakes his head, wavering slightly.

‘Wow, Ryan what’s up?’ Spencer is instantly that few steps closer and Ryan shakes his head again and drops to his knees. He doesn’t look good at all now. Spencer covers the distance between them in a few strides, and Brendon starts to get an unpleasant feeling growing in his stomach. There’s something up. He should have noticed there was something up. This isn’t just Ryan. 

‘Ryan, what’s wrong?’ he stresses, joining the other two, with Jon just behind. Ryan just closes his eyes and shakes his head again, letting Spencer feel his forehead. 

‘You’re really hot. Why are you so hot?’ Spencer says, more to himself than anyone. ‘Ryan?’ He gently lifts Ryan’s right hand up, and after seemingly checking it for something he picks up the left. Ryan flinches, suddenly opening his eyes, but Spencer holds on, and then delicately folds up the edge of his sleeve.

‘Oh, ouch,’ he says, breathing in sharply, and then before Jon or Brendon can look, he continues. ‘This is a snake bite!’

‘I noticed,’ Ryan says sarcastically, but he sounds too drowsy to be curt with anyone. Spencer’s keeps examining, and then his expression changes from concerned to annoyed. 

‘This isn’t new! This obviously happened a while ago, I can tell!’

‘Yeah, I noticed that too,’ Ryan says, though it’s more of a mumble. His eyes are closed again. Spencer frowns. 

‘Then why didn’t you tell us?’ he snaps, and then swipes at Ryan’s cheek. It’s only very lightly to wake him up again, but Ryan flinches instantly at the contact, and as soon as his eyes are open he stands up.

‘What are you –‘he starts, but as soon as he’s on his feet his legs give way. He manages not to fall completely and Brendon stops him going some of the way, but that’s about as much control as he can muster. 

Spencer’s back to looking worried again. ‘Sit down Ryan before you do something else stupid,’ he says, a little distracted with his own thoughts. Brendon shivers. He doesn’t feel very well either.

‘Ryan, why didn’t you say when it happened…?’ he asks helplessly, and Ryan snorts. 

‘Oh, don’t you start.’

‘I think you should sit down, Ryan,’ Jon says, and he’s looking worried too, though his gaze is directed at Spencer who’s staring into space. Completely unexpectedly, Brendon’s own legs suddenly give up on him, and as he’s almost fully supporting Ryan, they both fall gracelessly into a heap.

Ryan actually laughs, and Jon almost looks close as well. Brendon feels like he wants to cry, but it at least jerks Spencer into action.

‘I’ll get my first aid kit,’ he says, and turns swiftly on his heel. Brendon knows his backpack isn’t very far, it never is, but it still seems like an age of lying on the sand, partly trapped by Ryan’s arm. He’s still trembling, but it’s not necessarily laughter anymore. Brendon exchanges a helpless look with Jon, who shrugs guiltily, like he’s somehow responsible.

‘I’ve got it,’ Spencer says breathlessly, but he’s being Spencer again, and when he kneels down next to them he’s using his ordinary, organised and efficient voice. ‘Sit up Ryan; it’s going to be fine.’

‘Great, sure,’ Ryan says, and he sounds disconcertingly cheerful, if a little lethargic. Brendon sits up too, and he’s trembling now too. Jon sits down, and then puts and arm round him and Brendon can only feel grateful, though he keeps a hold of Ryan’s other hand.

Spencer doesn’t look up from what he’s doing, because it’s careful work, and only when he’s about to bind Ryan’s wrist does he pause in what he’s doing. ‘I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me sooner,’ he says, looking a little bemused and Ryan shrugs. 

‘I didn’t want to worry you.’

‘But I’m more worried now than I would have been at the start…’

‘Thanks for keeping my spirits up,’ Ryan says sarcastically, and Spencer just finishes up what he was doing and then sits back. 

‘It’s okay. You’ll be fine.’

‘I should hope so…’ Ryan mutters, and maybe he will be, Brendon thinks. Spencer knows what he’s doing. It’s just, there’s that doubt that they’re all experiencing. And this time there’s no one to reassure them, because everyone is thinking the same thing. What if it’s not okay?

Ryan’s expression is as misleading as always, because for a moment it almost looks like he’s smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is a slightly older story, and I realize some of the things that happen in it probably seem pretty 'convenient' for the characters. But that's only because the thing I was focusing on was their relationships and dynamics in the situation, and not necessarily why they are there! So, there's an excuse for my lazy plotting I guess :)


	9. Darkened Places

Things do seem relatively alright for a good part of the evening. Spencer lights the fire, Jon helps him; and Brendon keeps out of their way, because he knows he probably won’t be that much help. But then later that evening, as the sky darkens, the mood darkens with it, and all the good feeling leaves with the light.

Ryan’s been sitting, his eyelids flickering in the equally flickering firelight. He doesn’t look so bad right now, though he winces on occasion. Brendon just watches him at first, though the low light and the quiet are making him fall asleep. It’s not like Ryan’s doing much anyway, but he forces his eyes to stay open. 

‘Go to sleep, Brendon,’ Spencer says, looking slightly frustrated. Brendon shakes his head. 

‘No, I’m not tired.’

Spencer glances at Jon, who rolls his eyes. They’re doing that suspicious thing again, Brendon thinks, but he can’t force himself to care that much now. Ryan suddenly twitches in his peripheral vision, and they all look at him.

‘What’s wrong?’

Ryan makes a tentative noise in the back of his throat. ‘I don’t know…’ he says uncertainly, and Brendon starts to feel uneasy. 

‘Spencer…?’ he asks helplessly, because he doesn’t know what else to do. Spencer bites his lip and shrugs, obviously a bit lost too.

‘I don’t know. Maybe…’ he starts, but then Ryan shakes his head firmly, pushing a strand out of his face. 

‘No, I just want to walk about or something…’

‘Why?’ Brendon asks again, a little more frantically than he meant to. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing, Brendon. Why do you always assume the worst?’ Ryan says, climbing to his feet as he’s talking. ‘I’ll see you guys later.’

‘You can’t go off on your own,’ Spencer reminds him, and Ryan sighs. 

‘Yes I can. I’ll be fine,’ he says slowly, though for once he doesn't sound thrilled by the prospect. More alarm bells go off in Brendon's head. 

‘Do you want me to… come with you…?’’ Spencer offers reluctantly and Ryan sighs again, though he could be laughing. It’s hard to tell. They've all switched round, Brendon thinks. Suddenly Ryan wants company and Spencer's stopped acting like a flapping mother figure. 

‘Yeah, sounds like you want to,' Ryan says, rolling his eyes at Spencer. 'Don't bother. I'll be fine.' 

‘I’m trying to be nice,’ Spencer counters, slightly dismissively. 'We all like being alone sometimes. Especially you.'

‘Yeah, I like being alone,' Jon agrees, just to back Spencer up. 

‘Well, I don’t,’ Brendon says, and he stands up at the same time Ryan takes a step back. 

‘Forget it, Brendon. I'm over the idea.'

‘Don't be an idiot, Ryan. If you want to go for a walk, take Brendon and go,’ Spencer sighs. 'You're obviously not over the idea, you're just trying to... I don't know, spite us for not jumping to your attention.'

If Ryan is taken aback by Spencer's sudden attitude change, then he hides it well. 

‘And you’re psychic now, are you?’ he says dryly. 

‘Maybe…’ Spencer mutters, and Jon snorts with laughter. 

‘Yeah, well I don’t care,’ Ryan sighs, though what he doesn’t care about even he doesn’t seem sure of. ‘As Brendon's the only one not angry at me for god only knows what reason, then maybe we will go for a walk. Just the two of us.' This is said as if to spite Jon and Spencer, who both shrug and look indifferent. Maybe trying to stir them up a bit, Ryan suddenly hooks an arm around Brendon and pulls him in close.

'See you round,' Ryan tells the others; and waggles his fingers in farewell.

This is strange, Brendon thinks. There’s the underlying feel of dread hanging over him, but here they all are bickering like normal; Jon laughing; Spencer muttering, and Ryan with a possessive arm around him, acting as if they're suddenly the closest of friends. Brendon feels disconnected and light-headed, as if he's stumbled into a dream again; back on some unstable boat that could dunk him at any moment. 

‘You guys have fun,’ Spencer says flatly, and waves back. So, Ryan goes without a backward glance, dragging Brendon with him. 

‘I don't even want to go for a walk. But they obviously wanted rid of us,’ Ryan says irritably, as they walk down towards the beach together.

‘Maybe,’ Brendon replies, noting the 'us' even if it is in a negative context. Brendon had a feeling Jon and Spencer mostly wanted rid of Ryan. It's as if Spencer thinks he got bitten by the snake on purpose, just to delay their escape plan, which obviously is stupid. Ryan would never do such a thing. 

Ryan has gone silent again, so Brendon asks, 'Hey, Ryan, how did you get bitten? By the snake I mean. Obviously.'

Ryan doesn’t answer for a moment, and Brendon wonders if he should have just kept quiet. He likes that Ryan isn't being totally cold with him, and he doesn't want to jinx it.

‘I don’t know,' Ryan says, after a minute. 'I guess I just got too close.’

‘When did it happen?’

‘You know the day Jon and Spence found the gas canister? And then I disappeared, and you asked me if I was okay? It happened then.’

‘That was…’ It’s all falling into place now, Brendon thinks, and he can’t believe he didn’t notice something was up before then. ‘That was ages ago!’

‘Yeah…’ Ryan says, and then he looks at Brendon suddenly, stopping in his tracks. Brendon stops too, though he’s not sure what Ryan’s doing.

‘What are you looking at?’

Ryan blinks, and then he almost smiles. ‘Just you,’ he says evenly, and then when Brendon keeps their gaze locked he slowly leans in, and Brendon thinks he’s going to kiss him for a moment, but then he stops.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Nothing,’ Ryan says, and as he looks like he’s about to step away Brendon gets there and kisses him first.

Ryan hardly does it back, and it’s barely for a second before they break apart. But even before Brendon can think of something to say, Ryan suddenly vanishes and is instantly replaced by Spencer, blinking at him, solemn and silent.

Brendon wants to ask him what’s going on, but he can’t find his voice before Jon pats him on the shoulder.

‘How come you’re not on a boat for once?’ he asks, head tipping with the question – and then Brendon suddenly wakes up. 

The grey morning light is a cold shock to the system, and for once he’s wide awake, though there are bits of the dream he can’t shake off. 

‘Huh…’ he says out loud before he has time to realise what’s actually going on. Jon gives him a funny look.

‘You sat up pretty fast there, Bren.’

‘Yeah…’ Brendon agrees slowly, checking his surroundings to make sure this is real life now. Jon’s sitting across from him with Spencer and Ryan’s at his side like he usually is, head in his hands. There’s nothing abnormal about the situation they’re in.

‘What… uh… Ryan, are you okay…?’ he asks hesitantly, and Ryan lifts his head to give him a blank sort of look. But then blinks and shrugs. 

‘Sure,’ he says tiredly, like that’s what he thinks Brendon wants to hear.

‘He’s just fine,’ Spencer agrees, and though his tone is all bright and sunny, he doesn’t sound very positive at all. Then he stands up. ‘Either way, we have work to do. I think we can finish it today if we really push.’

Yesterday, Brendon would have been ecstatic at the news, but this morning he’s too wrapped up in his own head. He feels less optimistic than he has in a long while.

‘Alright,’ Jon says in a resigned way, not altogether cheerfully, and he stands up too. ‘Come on Brendon.’

‘Okay,’ Brendon acknowledges him reluctantly, and then clambers to his feet slowly. He doesn’t really trust the way his stomach lurches on the way up, and his legs don’t feel steady at all. It’s probably just all in his head, but he half wishes he was Ryan right now so he could just sit out and not do anything today.

‘You don’t look very happy, Brendon,’ Spencer says, with a touch of sympathy. He reaches over to pat Brendon's bare arm. ‘And you feel cold. Put a jacket on.’

‘I’m okay,’ Brendon says, extremely unwillingly. Spencer rolls his eyes.

‘Ugh, go on then. You can stay and keep Ryan company,’ he says, but then uses the meaningful look to express his actual concern. 

Okay, Brendon thinks. He’s not worried about me at all; this is just an excuse for someone to keep an eye on Ryan for him. 

‘Right,’ he agrees with a sigh, like this is a burden, but all in all he’s happy to be getting out of work. Jon gives him half a smile and then follows Spencer off. Brendon sits down again, deliberating over his next words for a moment or two.

‘So I had this weird dream…’ he starts cautiously.

‘Uh huh…?’ Ryan acknowledges him, not sounding particularly interested. Brendon hesitates. 

‘No, actually it doesn’t matter.’

‘Okay,’ Ryan says tranquilly, because he obviously didn’t care. It’s lucky that they’re both the way they are, Brendon thinks, because if it were the other way round he would have forced the information out of him by now. He hates being in the dark about things. They stay silent for a moment or two, but then Brendon remembers a question from the dream, and he starts up again.

‘How did you get bitten, Ryan?’

Ryan pulls an awkward face. ‘Does it matter?’

‘I mean, kind of? Go on, put my mind at rest.'

‘Why?’

‘When did it happen?’

Ryan sighs. ‘Why do you want to know so much?’ he asks, and gives Brendon the sort of look he hasn’t gotten in a while. It makes Brendon feel bad, but he wants to know still, so he presses further.

‘Just tell me?’

Ryan mutters something under his breath, and Brendon doesn’t care about hearing it for once. He just waits, until Ryan reluctantly says, ‘You know the day Jon and Spencer found the gas canister? And then I disappeared, and you asked me if I was okay? It happened then.’

Brendon can’t remember if this was his exact wording in the dream but it sounds similar, and he shivers suddenly. It was the right timing anyway, but what were his next words?

‘That was ages ago!’ he gabbles, like an actor hastily remembering his line. 

‘Don’t do a Spencer, Brendon,’ Ryan sighs, and that’s not the right words at all. He was supposed to look at Brendon at least, but he’s staring off into space, completely unaware of what could have just happened. Brendon isn’t sure what he was hoping for anyway. It doesn’t matter. He shakes his head to try and get himself out of the zone, and stops speaking altogether.


	10. Expect the Unexpected

It's the morning after, and the balloon is finished. They’ve completely repaired it, and though Spencer told them he obviously isn’t sure if it will fly, there’s that hope keeping them going. Why aren’t we trying right now? Brendon thinks, but Ryan looks so nauseous when flying is suggested that Spencer says they should leave it and try when he’s feeling better. Brendon feels a twinge of irritation when Jon agrees as well, but it’s not like it’s really Ryan’s fault. He’s not doing it on purpose. All this makes Brendon feel guilty for even thinking so, and he makes a promise to himself to be nice to Ryan the rest of the evening. It’s not really difficult, because for once all four of them are in high spirits at the same time. Kind of anyway. Ryan seems a bit excessively tired, but then he’s suffering so he’s allowed. 

‘You look better though, Ry,’ Spencer says cheerfully, from his position by the fire. Ryan’s lying on his back with his legs up and he sighs. 

‘Really…? I haven’t noticed a difference.’

‘Why are you so down, Ryan? Things are great!’ Brendon says, and Jon agrees enthusiastically. 

‘Yeah, cheer up. We’re getting out of here tomorrow!’

‘Yeah, I know,’ Ryan admits, still in the same monotone. ‘I’m just… tired, that’s all.’

Brendon glances at Spencer for reassurance, and Spencer rolls his eyes just the tiniest bit so he knows it’s okay. That’s just Ryan. 

‘You’re fine, Ryan. You know you are,’ he says, and Spencer agrees this time. 

‘You’ve been very lucky… I had some extreme doubts at the beginning.’

‘God, really filling me with confidence, Spencer,’ Ryan says sarcastically.

‘Only at the beginning,' Spencer argues. 'You're alright now.'

Ryan just sighs. 'If you say so.'

'Ryan, what's your problem?' Jon asks, frowning at him. Brendon’s heart starts to sink. He doesn’t want them to fall out now. Who knows what that could mean for tomorrow?

'There is no problem,' Ryan says blankly, not making eye contact. 'Spencer just said. I don't know why're you're all getting at me.'

'No one is getting at you, you're getting at us,' says Jon, irritably, but Spencer interrupts him, obviously thinking along the same lines as Brendon.

‘Hey, guys, don’t start something,’ he says firmly. ‘We’re a team now, okay?’

Jon just shrugs, and Ryan mutters something under his breath and rolls over. He might be sulking or he might be asleep, but he doesn’t talk all the rest of the brief evening, and they’ve all forgotten about it by the time they’re settling down.

*

Brendon wakes with a start as someone kicks him, and it’s not a surprise when he opens his eyes to see who it is. The odd thing is that Ryan’s not asleep. He was up, and had kicked Brendon by accident while stepping over him.

‘What are you doing…?’

‘Nothing. Sorry. Just go back to sleep, Bren,’ he says calmly, but it’s too late for that now. Brendon sits up. 

‘What are you holding?’

Ryan twitches guiltily, but he doesn’t try and hide it because he can see it’s also too late for that now. ‘It’s a… it’s a needle,’ he supplies, trying to sound innocent, like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

‘I can see that, where did you get it?’ Brendon asks, and Ryan sighs and sits down in his spot again. 

‘Spencer’s backpack. Look, Brendon, it’s nothing just go to sleep. Let’s pretend this never happened.’

He doesn’t know me at all, Brendon thinks. His mind doesn’t work like that. As if he could just go to sleep now. ‘What are you doing with it?’

Ryan fidgets, obviously being made uncomfortable by the question. ‘It’s hard to explain. Don’t make me do something we’ll both regret. Please?’ He’s actually pleading with Brendon now, but it’s not as simple as that.

‘Just tell me what you’re doing, I won’t tell the others, I promise,’ Brendon assures, and Ryan appears to be giving in. 

‘Okay, fine,’ he says evenly. ‘I’ll show you. Hold out your arm.’

It’s the stupidest mistake Brendon has ever made in his life. He can’t even blame the fact that it was night time and he was half asleep, because he wasn’t. He was wide awake, but he trusted Ryan completely and that’s why he did it.

Brendon breathed in sharply as the needle went in, but Ryan covered his mouth before he could make any other noise. ‘I’m sorry, Bren. I didn’t want it to come to this, but you asked for it,’ he whispers, the whole time it’s still there. He doesn’t explain, but he repeats the same phrase from earlier once he’s pulled it out. ‘Just go to sleep. Let’s pretend this never happened.’

*

Brendon wakes with a start, and the relief that it was all a dream floods through him instantly. He lies still for a moment, and then rolls over to check that Ryan is still there, because he might doubt it a little if he wasn’t. But the familiar outline of Ryan’s back is facing him like normal and he can only breathe out as he slowly sits up. He notices straight away that it’s more difficult than normal, but then that’s just the mornings sometimes.

The other two are already awake, and he can’t look that bad because Jon just grins and gives him the thumbs up.’ Today’s the day, Brendon!’

Brendon laughs slightly uneasily. ‘Yeah,’ he agrees slowly, and Spencer frowns in obvious concern. 

‘You don’t look all that well, Bren…’ he remarks hesitantly, and Brendon shrugs. 

‘Yeah, that would be weird…’ He knows that won’t make much sense to them, but he’s just noticed the way his arm’s stinging. It feels like a mosquito bite, though of course he knows what it really is. He closes his eyes against the throbbing in his head and lets himself fall back down again. It wasn’t that big of a movement, but it startles Ryan awake, because he sits up suddenly, looking stricken.

‘What time is it…?’ 

It’s a slightly odd question, considering none of them own a watch and he’s never asked anything like that before. Spencer frowns. 

‘What’s up with you two today?’

‘Nothing,’ Ryan says too quickly, and then stops himself. ‘I mean… Nothing's up with me. What's up with anyone else?’ He’s still looking at Spencer, but Brendon gets his attention in a second.

‘Ryan,’ he says simply, and the way he does so obviously hits some nerve with Ryan because his answer sounds strange and awkward. 

‘Yes?’

‘What did you do to me?’

Ryan blinks, and the guilt is written all over his face, but he’s not looking at either Jon or Spencer so they don’t see it. ‘What do you mean?’ he asks, and Brendon hopes the defensiveness of his question will make the others see that there’s something wrong.

‘Last night… you… you drugged me! I can remember it!’ Brendon snaps, and he knows he sounds bit frantic, but it’s not all that clear how it happened. 

‘Brendon, what are you talking about?’ Jon sighs, before Ryan can defend himself against it. ‘That’s ludicrous.’

‘No it’s not!’ Brendon protests, but he knows he sounds unsure of himself now, and there’s no way they’re going to believe him.

‘Bren, you sound a little bit delirious,’ Spencer starts carefully, and Brendon groans and covers his face with his hands. 

‘No I’m not, look, I’ll show you.’ He pushes himself up properly, and rolls his sleeve up, but the mark from the needle is barely there. It’s not enough proof.

‘But I’m not delirious,’ he says, and scrambles to his feet just to show them that’s he’s fine, even though he’s not. His limbs don’t have enough strength in them to keep him up, and the only thing he’s succeeding in is making himself look crazier.

‘Brendon, I think you should calm down,’ Jon says, as Brendon struggles to sit up again. 

‘You’re being stupid now,’ Spencer says, and he’s trying to be nice but that’s not what Brendon wants. He wants to prove to them that he’s right, but that’s obviously not going to happen. 

‘I’m not being stupid,’ he sighs in frustration, but his voice just sounds pathetic. It’s pointless trying to reason with them now.

‘So, I guess we’ll have to delay leaving for a bit…’ Ryan says hesitantly, looking oddly hopeful. Brendon has no idea why he wants this, but if it’s the last thing he does he’s not going to let that happen.

‘No, we can still go,’ he says very firmly. ‘I can travel just fine.’

Jon shrugs, and Spencer looks mildly doubtful, but he agrees. ‘Okay then. If you think you’re up for it.’

‘Definitely,’ Brendon says through gritted teeth, and he gives Ryan a meaningful look, which is not acknowledged.

Spencer gives Brendon’s hair a ruffle and then stands up. ‘Well I’m going to go get some water for the trip,’ he says, and Jon stands up too. ‘I’ll go as well.’

‘Typical,’ Ryan mouths, but only Brendon sees him.

‘Ryan, be nice to Brendon while we’re gone,’ Spencer instructs, and Brendon wants to protest, but he doesn’t have the energy. He closes his eyes instead and rolls over. Ryan must   
be waiting for the others to be out of earshot because it’s a couple of minutes before he speaks.

‘Brendon? Turn over; look at me.’

‘You better have a good explanation,’ Brendon sighs, rolling back over to face him. He doesn’t feel angry right now, but that could all change depending on the answer.

Ryan pauses, looking a little bit unsure. ‘I’m sorry, okay? I shouldn’t have done it to you. It was meant for me, because the snake thing was wearing off…’

It’s not what Brendon was expecting to hear, so he just blinks, and then manages a questioning sort of sound. Ryan suddenly looks irritated, and he starts like he’s going to say it as it is and be done with it, but then when he gets to the actual words he falters at the first step.

‘Okay, fine, I let the snake bite me on purpose, because… because I don’t want to leave. There’s nothing for me back there, nothing at all. Dramatic as that may sound. I don’t know why I’m telling you. You won’t understand.’ Ryan shakes his head, frustrated. ‘I don’t get why you’re all so keen to leave anyway. I figured we had forever, and we’d just waste and away and die here eventually – but that’s what would happen back in the real world too, so what’s the difference? And then you fixed the balloon, and you were all so excited; and I just wanted more time, okay? Just a little more time. That’s why I let the snake bite me. Only that wore off… and then the thing I injected you with last night was meant for me, but then you saw and I thought it would be the best way to shut you up… That was stupid. I’ll admit that was stupid.’ 

Here he looks at Brendon, but doesn’t quite meet his eye. ‘You don’t have to look so worried, it’s just a sedative. A kind of heavy sedative. Spencer had it in his backpack; really, he keeps so much stuff in there. It’s not lethal or anything, it’ll wear off. Really.’

He’s running out of steam, because Brendon still hasn’t said a word. 

‘I don’t know what else to say, Brendon. I didn’t mean to let it go this far. I really didn’t. It just sort of happened, I guess…’

If he’s thinking Brendon’s going to feel sorry for him, he is very wrong. 

‘Ryan, you total selfish moron.’

‘What?’ Ryan looks taken aback. ‘That’s not fair. I just told you everything, just like you asked. I apologized and everything.’

‘Okay, so you didn’t want to leave, but what about us?’ Brendon exclaims, beginning to feel furious again. ‘What about the fact that we all want to get out of here?’

Ryan hesitates. ‘I wasn’t really thinking about that side of it. I'll be honest, I wasn’t really thinking at all.’

‘Obviously!’ Brendon snaps this time, and he might be almost completely weak and useless, but he lashes out at Ryan as best he can, because words just aren’t good enough sometimes. ‘I can’t believe you did this to me!’

‘I did try to warn you!’ Ryan snaps as well, looking ready to fight back, though he resists for a moment. ‘I told you to go back to sleep!’

‘What kind of a friend do you think that would make me?’ Brendon says incredulously. ‘You think I would just let you do that to yourself?’

‘I don’t see why not!’ Ryan retorts, and he’s trembling slightly. ‘I would have left you.’

It’s kind of the last straw for both of them. Brendon hits him again, and this time Ryan hits back, and then Brendon pushes him, and from there it’s just like the first night by the campfire, except they both actually want to hurt each other. The adrenaline rush gives Brendon some strength, but even at that Ryan has the advantage over him, and it’s over within minutes.

‘Now, stop trying to hit me, and I’ll let you go,’ Ryan says, slightly out of breath as he holds Brendon down. ‘Promise?’

‘Absolutely not,’ Brendon counters stubbornly, relentlessly struggling, even though it’s obviously not going to get him anywhere. Ryan rolls his eyes, but he’s not angry anymore and he lets go a moment later, lying down on the sand as well.

‘Let’s not do this. It’s extremely childish.’

‘It’s extremely childish, and I’m so mature,’ Brendon mimics, in a very provocative voice, but he’s given up now, mainly because he doesn’t have the energy. If this was a normal day he wouldn’t have let it go for a while yet, but what’s the point now? He's powerless. 

‘I said I’m sorry,’ Ryan sighs, but Brendon interrupts him before he can say any more. 

‘Don’t talk to me.’

‘Well, this is role reversal…’ Ryan mutters and Brendon almost laughs. 

‘Yeah, it’s not nice being on my end is it?’

‘Okay. I’m sorry for that too. What more do you want?’ Ryan says irritably, and Brendon shrugs. ‘There’s nothing else you can really do…’

‘Stop it, Bren,’ Ryan says this time, and he sounds almost pleading. ‘It doesn’t matter. We’re still leaving. I lost okay? What else can I say?’

Brendon thinks about it for a moment. ‘Just promise you won’t try and stop us anymore, alright?’

‘Okay. I promise,’ Ryan says, and he’s looking so anxious that Brendon feels like it would be petty not to smile. 

‘Good,’ he says, even though he knows it’s another mistake. He should have stopped trusting Ryan a while ago, but it’s difficult when he wants to make up this bad.

‘Good,’ Ryan repeats, and he looks relieved. Brendon can’t be annoyed with him anymore, even though he should be. But it’s difficult, and holding a grudge isn’t in his nature.

‘We’re friends now, okay?’ he says reassuringly, and Ryan smiles as he stares up at the sky. 

‘Good,’ he says again, and Brendon closes his eyes, allowing himself to relax. We’re fine now, he thinks, crossing his fingers, and hoping that that’s the truth.

The peace doesn’t last very long.

‘Where are Jon and Spencer? They should be back by now.’

‘Don’t ask me…’ Ryan mutters, and Brendon nudges against him. ‘Don’t fall asleep; we have to go find them.’

‘You can’t walk,’ Ryan points out, and irritatingly, he’s kind of right. 

‘Okay, well you go and look for them then,’ Brendon says, and Ryan shakes his head. 

‘No, they said to look after you.’

‘Right, then we’ll both go and you can look after me there,’ Brendon says through gritted teeth. He can feel himself getting annoyed again. 

‘Brendon, that’s a dumb idea and you know it,’ Ryan replies, frustratingly calm. ‘Come on, they’ll be fine. Let’s just stay here.’

Brendon stays silent for a moment, until Ryan probably thinks he’s won. Then he sits up. ‘I’m going to go look for them.’

‘Brendon…’ Ryan groans, making no attempt to stop him. ‘Stay here.’

‘You can’t make me,’ Brendon says, and they both know perfectly well that’s not true, but Ryan’s not even looking now. It takes a Brendon a couple of attempts to stand up straight, and even then it’s a huge struggle to actually start walking, and for the first few minutes he gets absolutely no where.

‘I told you…’ Ryan mutters, as Brendon’s legs give up on him for the tenth time in a row.

‘Then help me,’ Brendon snaps, not really expecting an answer. He can’t do this on his own.

‘Okay, fine,’ Ryan sighs, and he gets up, and then pulls Brendon to his feet again, where they both stand for a moment.

‘Thanks.’

‘It’s fine.’

Brendon sighs. ‘You’re right, I can’t do this…’ he admits, all ready to just give up, but Ryan must feel guilty, because he sighs too. 

‘No, come on, we can go to the edge of the woods,’ he says, and Brendon breathes out. 

‘Thanks.’ He’s not sure why he thinks that’s it, and that they’re friends again. As soon as they get to the border of trees, Ryan stops abruptly.

‘You happy now…?’

‘Uh, no. we haven’t found Jon or Spencer yet,’ Brendon says, rolling his eyes.’ Come on, let’s go.’

‘No, I didn’t agree to go any further than this,’ Ryan argues, and when he sees Brendon’s about to protest, he steps away, taking his supporting arm with him. Brendon instantly staggers, but he manages to keep himself up, and then gives Ryan a shove with the last of his strength. 

Jon’s right, Brendon thinks. He’s a total idiot. It must have been the weakest push ever, and yet he still falls over.

‘What was that for?’

‘Don’t act like you didn’t deserve that,’ Brendon says bitterly, and with those last words, he leaves. It’s a lot harder walking by himself and he falls over more than once, but he knows he’s getting better now. The sedative must be starting to wear off.

He knows the way to the stream by now, and though underneath he knew things would be fine, it’s still an anticlimax to find Jon and Spencer quite normally sitting and chatting. They look up in surprise as he approaches.

‘Brendon, what are you doing here?’ Jon says, giving him a quizzical look.

‘I just… You’ve been ages…’ Brendon says breathlessly, and it’s all he can do to collapse onto his knees. Spencer smiles sympathetically.

‘Hardly,’ he says, and then pats Brendon’s leg reassuringly. ‘You look a bit better now.’

‘Kind of…’ Brendon says feebly, because he’s totally drained again, and all he wants to do is fall asleep. ‘We should get back, before Ryan wonders where we are.’ He’s not angry with him anymore, and he’s only saying that because he feels guilty.

‘Get your breath back first, there’s no hurry,’ Spencer says, but it’s a command rather than a suggestion. By the time he and Jon are done talking, it’s practically evening. Or that’s what it feels like. Brendon has of lost concept of time sitting here.

‘Ryan’s going to be worried…’ he says hesitantly and Jon rolls his eyes. 

‘When has Ryan ever bothered about us, Bren?’

Brendon still feels apprehensive. Spencer and Jon talk and laugh the whole slow way back, and Brendon would push ahead, but of course that’s impossible. 

They should have walked faster. The sight they’re greeted with is so unexpected, that Brendon knows he feels more in awe than anything at first. For a moment they all just stay silent, but Spencer eventually breaks it, his tone ominously calm.

‘Ryan, what have you done?’


	11. Bittersweet

Ryan doesn’t hear them at first. He’s obviously too in the moment still, and before the realization fully dawns on Brendon, he’s quite impressed at how quickly he managed it. Spencer and Jon can’t believe it either, but their approach is slightly different. It’s a more understandable reaction, considering what they’re now faced with.

The repaired remnants of the balloon are completely ablaze, and even at this distance Brendon can feel the great heat of the fire. Ryan’s standing right up close, looking up at it as if he can’t quite believe what he’s done either. No one moves for a moment.

‘Ryan, you are such an idiot,’ Spencer mutters, at first under his breath, but by the end of the sentence it’s obvious he’s more than miffed now. ‘We are doomed!’ 

He storms across the beach, and Brendon exchanges a glance with Jon before they follow him. They can both already tell this isn’t going to end very well for anyone.

‘Ryan!’ Spencer snaps, and eventually they get his attention.

‘You guys have been ages,’ Ryan says. He sounds so far away, looks so completely preoccupied. His eyes aren’t really properly focusing on them, but he smiles. ‘Still, this is going to take a long time to burn out…’

‘What have you done?’ Spencer exclaims furiously, reaching him a few steps ahead of the others. He has to hold a hand up to shield himself from the heat, though Ryan seems perfectly at ease where he is. Brendon experimentally runs a hand down his cheek, and his skin is burning hot to the touch. His eyes are alight with a distracted glow that Brendon has never seen before. It’s quite unnerving.

‘Guys, let’s have the confrontation at a safe distance why don’t we?’ Jon suggests, eyeing the fire with sensible wariness. Spencer reluctantly takes a few steps back, and Brendon grabs Ryan’s arm and pulls him along with them. The right sleeve of his jacket is oddly damp and smells of petrol, and he’s holding the now empty vodka bottle, but no one will know if he actually drank it, or if it was just another aid in burning the balloon. It could just as easily be either one.

‘Ryan?’ Spencer snaps again, but Ryan appears to be in another world altogether and it looks like it’s going to be difficult getting him out of it. ‘Ryan, answer me!’

‘What do you want me to say?’ 

Brendon winces, because Ryan doesn’t seem to realize he’s treading on very thin ice here, and the wrong word will make it so much worse. And even though he did just destroy their only escape route, Brendon doesn’t feel angry with him. He took all his fury out earlier and it’s left him just a bit bemused now.

‘Ryan, I hope you’re aware that you’ve just doomed us all,’ Spencer says shortly, but he hasn’t lost it quite yet. Ryan absentmindedly presses the empty bottle against his flushed face to cool it down. He doesn’t look particularly concerned about this knowledge.

‘How? We’ve managed so far.’

Spencer laughs bitterly, so close to snapping now. ‘And you don’t think our supplies are going to run out someday?’ 

Ryan pulls a face. ‘Mm… yeah, I didn’t think about that…’

Spencer smacks the bottle out of Ryan’s hand, just before Jon grabs hold of his arm and stops him doing any more damage.

‘Okay, violence is never the answer, Spence,’ he says uneasily, trying to keep control over the situation. Brendon takes Ryan’s arm, in an attempt to help, but obviously it’s too late now. 

Spencer physically doesn’t protest against Jon, but he does say, ‘Ryan…’ in a tired voice, like that’s all he can think of. Brendon blinks and then glances over to catch Jon’s eye. Neither of them really knows what to do then, but in the moment of distraction, Spencer pulls away again.

Jon starts forward for a second and Brendon tenses. They weren’t sure what he was actually going to do, but it was kind of a given that it would be bad. Spencer does look unpredictable for a moment, but then his arms go round Ryan and he’s seems to forget about it.

‘You are so stupid…’ he mutters, but it’s not bitter anymore, just a little sad. That’s kind of worse somehow. Ryan closes his eyes, but his face doesn’t change and he doesn’t hug Spencer back. He’s not guilty at all. 

Jon takes a cautious few steps sideways, and grabs Brendon’s arm, pulling him away. 

‘You looked unhappy,’ he supplies, as they both set off down the beach. Brendon shrugs.

‘Yeah, no… I don’t know… Aren’t you?’

Jon shrugs too, and then sighs. ‘What do we do now?’

‘The same stuff, I guess,’ Brendon suggests, because there isn’t really another option. That’s all they have now. He doesn’t really know what to say anyway, because it’s usually him asking and everyone else always seems to have an answer. 

‘Jon? Brendon?’

They both look round as Spencer approaches, looking mildly put out. Ryan follows a few steps behind. ‘Why’d you go off without us?’

Jon actually laughs. ‘Well this has happened before. You can hardly get at us for disappearing now.’

‘Well, I don’t know why you’re so desperate to be alone together,’ Spencer retorts, in mock offence. It’s a joke now, so Jon laughs again. It’s such a nice easy friendship, Brendon thinks, glancing back at Ryan; but he’s not looking. Once again there’s something far more enticing behind the sea.

They don’t do much for the rest of the evening. Jon sits down on the sand first, followed by Spencer and then Brendon. Ryan may have been going to anyway, but they force him before he can make his mind up, because no one really trusts him anymore. So they sit and talk and laugh and tease each other like normal, and when the sun starts to set they all lie back and carry on like that. It's well into the night by the time they head for the safety of the dry sand further up, but far away from the still burning fire. It’s warm enough already, and they mostly fall asleep just like that.

Brendon stays awake, because he realizes now that it’s all partly his fault. If he hadn’t been so intent to find Jon and Spencer, and hadn’t left Ryan on his own then it might not have happened. Worse than that, he could have driven Ryan to doing it because he wouldn’t make up properly. It’s most definitely his fault.

‘Ryan?’

‘What?’

Of course he wasn’t asleep. Brendon rolls over to face him. ‘Why did you do it?’

Ryan’s still looking up at the sky and he doesn’t answer for a moment. ‘Mm… I don’t know.’

‘Would you still have done it if I hadn’t left?’ Brendon asks, and he’s scared of what he might hear now. The silence seems lengthy and ominous, but it’s really only a few seconds before Ryan laughs.

‘No, probably not. You would have stopped me. But I would have done something else at some point. I really didn’t want to let you guys go.’

Brendon waits for a moment or two. ‘That’s kind of evil,’ he says eventually, and Ryan rolls over, so they're facing each other. 

‘Not really,’ he says, without remorse. ‘If I were you I’d think it was almost kind of nice.’

Brendon rolls his eyes. ‘I’m glad I’m me then; you’re insane.’

Ryan laughs again, and he’s the only one who can still do that without sounding bittersweet. ‘Who's the most insane though; the crazy one, or the ones who stick with him?’

Brendon thinks about that, nibbling his lip. ‘Mm yeah… Maybe we are. At first I thought Spencer was actually going to kill you, but that didn’t last long.’

‘I must be too irresistible to hate,’ Ryan replies, and it sounds like he’s smiling. ‘Even at the beginning you didn’t hate me. Or you didn’t seem to.’

‘I didn’t,’ Brendon assures, and then they both stay silent again. Ryan rolls onto his back again. The moon is behind a cloud, but the beach is still lit up, for other obvious reasons.

‘Do you feel guilty at all, Ryan?’ Brendon asks tentatively, because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. It always has been.

‘No.’

‘Really?’

‘No, not at all. Should I? I keep thinking I should. Maybe it’ll be different in the morning...’

‘Maybe.’

They subside into silence again.

‘Goodnight, Brendon,’ Ryan says eventually, and then turns over so he’s facing the opposite way. Brendon sighs, because this wasn’t how he thought things would go at all today.

What a catch Ryan is sometimes, Brendon thinks, and he smiles. But when he burns their only escape route and traps them here forever? Not so much.

‘Goodnight, Ryan.’


	12. Reintroductions

Brendon’s phone makes a noise just behind his head, as he’s about to get up. It’s just a text alert, and it’ll probably just be spam, but he checks it anyway out of habit.

It’s Spencer, of course. The message is short and simple, and reads like so, without emotion. 

Spencer: Hang out tomorrow?

Brendon smiles at Spencer’s obvious lack of interest in typing long messages, and sends an equally nonchalant reply.

Brendon: Sure. Your place?

Spencer replies a few seconds later, and he’s managed to minimize his words to a ridiculous extent.

Spencer: Jon.

Not Jon’s or Jon’s place, Brendon thinks, grinning as he replies again. Just the word Jon with a full stop is all he needs to say these days apparently. He gets the gist anyway, and signs off with an appropriate length of text. 

Brendon: OK. See you there at usual time. Just us three?

Spencer doesn’t reply for a good while this time, and when Brendon’s phone eventually pings again the answer is about as lame as “Jon” was.

Spencer: Cool.

Fine, don’t answer my question, Brendon thinks, but he’s not really annoyed. It’s kind of funny really. He sends a smiley and a kiss, which is not even acknowledged at the other end, and then he turns his phone off. It doesn’t matter. They can catch up properly tomorrow. 

How long has it been? About a month since they last hung out together. It’s almost been a year since they got off the island, which has become just a bittersweet memory. Life goes on, and Brendon still sees Jon and Spencer a lot. He doesn’t know what happened to Ryan. He had spent the whole plane ride back in complete silence, evidently distressed, but none of them had known if he was finally feeling guilty or if he just really didn’t want to leave. Brendon wishes he had asked then, because he might not get another chance. He wants Ryan to know that it worked out okay, because it had still been a possibility that the balloon wouldn’t work, and if the plane hadn’t seen the fire they might never have escaped. It wasn’t really his fault in the end.

At least I still have Jon and Spencer, Brendon thinks and he smiles again. Maybe he’ll see Ryan again some time, but for now, he’s okay.

*

‘Ryan??’

Ryan glances sideways at Spencer who avoids his gaze and then smirks knowingly at Jon. It’s fairly obvious who knew what was actually going then.

‘Um… yeah, Brendon. Spence said you weren’t coming…’

Brendon hesitates, trying to think about his next words now, because this was unexpected. ‘He didn’t mention you at all actually,’ he replies thoughtfully, just as Spencer turns away, Jon only a step behind him.

‘Hey guys you can’t leave…’ Ryan falters, looking very socially unsure, and suddenly there’s a bit of somebody Brendon recognizes in this strange yet ordinary figure in front of him.

‘Yeah, don’t think you’re getting away without explaining yourselves!’

‘I think it’s kind of obvious what happened here…’ Jon mutters, but Spencer rolls his eyes and grudgingly gives them a brief explanation. 

‘Okay, so Ryan turned up out of the blue about two weeks ago and he’s been staying with me, but I decided not to tell you Brendon because it would be a nice surprise okay?’

‘But why didn’t you tell me…’ Ryan starts, looking skeptical. Spencer shrugs. 

‘I don’t know; it was Jon’s idea in the first place.’

‘Thanks Spence,’ Jon says sarcastically, but then he grabs his arm and they both saunter off down the garden. It’s pretty out here, and the sun is starting to go down, creating a familiar light to add to the familiar atmosphere. Brendon always prefers coming over to Spencer’s place. The garden itself is communally owned by all the building’s residents, and they keep it pretty nice and tidy. He wished he lived in a posh area like this sometimes, but right now that doesn’t matter. Why he’s even letting this thought thread continue, he doesn’t know.

‘It’s been a long time…’ he says hesitantly, and Ryan pulls a face, scratches the back of his head. It’s so like old times, and Ryan even looks the same. Hair a bit shorter, clothes a bit cleaner; that’s about it.

‘Where did you go?’ Brendon asks and Ryan shrugs. His answer his depressingly monosyllabic. 

‘Home. I don’t live around here.’

‘Oh, okay,’ Brendon says, nodding. This is so strange. He glances wistfully down at Jon and Spencer, who seem to be having a great time as always, and he can feel Ryan looking too. It’s like too much time has passed and they’re back to square one again.

‘I missed you,’ Ryan says suddenly, and he looks like he’s going to smile for a moment, but when Brendon catches his eye he hurriedly changes his wording. ‘I mean I missed all of you, not just you personally.’

‘Right,’ Brendon says, pulling a face for himself. ‘I missed you all too. But then I see Jon and Spence all the time, so it was kind of just you I guess.’

‘Yeah…’ Ryan agrees, glancing down at his shoes. Brendon sighs a little bit. It’s like nothing has changed at all, and they can just pick up from one where they left an awkward silence before. He suddenly laughs.

‘What is wrong with us?’

Reassuringly, Ryan laughs too. ‘I wish I knew, Bren.’

Brendon grins at him quizzically. ‘You’ve never called me Bren before.’

Ryan blinks, and then automatically protests. ‘Yes I have, loads of times,’ he says defensively, and he could be blushing but it’s hard to tell in the half light. 

Brendon carries on grinning. ‘Okay, well I’ll take your word for it,’ says and Ryan smiles again, but very briefly. He’s already glancing back down at the other two.

‘Should we go join them?’ Brendon suggests tentatively and Ryan breathes out. 

‘Yes, god let’s get this over with.’

It’s sad really, Brendon thinks. The whole time they’re sort of kidding about what they used to be like, but overall it’s still how they really act around each other, and that’s probably something neither of them will ever shake off. 

‘How’d the great catch up go?’ Spencer asks. He looks so relaxed and happy. Ditto Jon, Brendon thinks and then internally sighs. Why is it always so easy for them?

‘Just great…’ Ryan mutters as he sits down, and Brendon does too trying to ignore his sarcastic tone. Spencer and Jon both frown, as if they’re trying to do everything in unison.

‘Have you guys fallen out already?’

‘No,’ both Ryan and Brendon correct automatically, and it’s true. They haven’t fallen out, but things could be better.

Jon sighs kind of irritably and then glances at Spencer at the same time he looks back. It’s that suspicious thing they always did on the island, Brendon thinks, and it usually made him annoyed with them at the time. It’s still annoying. 

‘Why do you guys always do that?’ he demands, to move away from the subject of him and Ryan’s inability to not be awkward and weird with each other. 

Spencer blinks innocently, and John says, ‘Do what?’

‘That thing you do,’ Brendon sighs. Now he’s brought it up, he’s going to pursue it. ‘You’re always exchanging meaningful looks, like you know something we don’t. What are you implying?’

‘Nothing,’ John says. ‘There is no look. You’re imagining it, Brendon.’

‘Am I?’ Brendon says, irritably, and he folds his arms. ‘Really? You’re just going to pretend I’m going crazy or something? Fine, if you don’t want to tell me, then don’t. But don’t pretend there isn’t something going on, because I’ll know you’re lying. So is there?’

John shrugs and scratches his head. ‘I don’t know…’

‘You don’t know?’

‘Well…’ Spencer bites his lip. 

‘So, there is something!’ Brendon jumps in triumphantly. ‘Go on, tell me. I won’t go on about it anymore.’

‘Don’t take the bait, Spence, you know that’s not true,’ John says, rolling his eyes. ‘Come on, leave it. Don’t get involved.’

‘Oh, why the hell not?’ Spencer sighs. ‘I’ve kept quiet long enough. It’s not like they're going to figure it out on their own.’

‘Figure out what? What the hell is this?’ Brendon demands. ‘Don’t do this to me, I have to know now!’

Spencer and John share another look. They seem to be silently communicating through raised eyebrows and vague mouth quirks. 

‘You’re doing it again!’ Brendon snaps. 

‘Let it go, Brendon,’ Ryan sighs. ‘They’re not going to tell you.’

Spencer gives John one last meaningful head tilt, and then turns back round. 

‘If you really want to get into it all now…’ John mutters. 

‘This has gone on long enough,’ Spencer tells him. He looks at Brendon, and comes straight out with it. ‘Brendon, Ryan likes you, and you like Ryan, so would you just go and talk about it like normal people already? You’re driving us all crazy.’

If Brendon had a drink he would have spat it out, because he really wasn’t expecting Spencer to say anything of that nature. Ryan’s the one it really gets to though. 

‘Spencer!’ Ryan snaps. ‘You were supposed to keep your mouth shut!’

Brendon’s head whips round, and Ryan’s blushing. Really, actually blushing. Brendon could choose to be awkward and affronted too, but he’s suddenly having a great time. 

‘Wait really?’ he says, starting to grin. Ryan gives him a deeply withering look. 

‘Grow up, Brendon,’ he mutters irritably, and he gets up and stalks off.

‘Told you you shouldn’t have gotten involved,’ John says, elbowing Spencer, who shrugs again.

‘Someone had to say it.’

‘You’re right,’ Brendon agrees, jumping to his feet to race after Ryan. ‘Someone did.’

Things are suddenly starting to make sense in a way they never quite have before. It’s not that Brendon had been totally unaware of the way he felt about Ryan, but they’d been trapped on a desert island together. They had had priorities. And he was pretty sure Ryan hated him. 

He’s still not so sure he’s wrong, whatever Spencer may say. 

‘Idiots…’ he hears John mutter as he dashes off across the garden. Ryan is poised to go back inside, his phone already in his hand so he has something to focus on. He reluctantly looks up as Brendon approaches.

‘I don’t want to do this now, Brendon,’ he sighs, and goes back to his phone.

‘Do what?’ Brendon says, still grinning. This is the best he’s felt in a good long while. He can see Ryan isn’t going to make this easy for them, he never does. So it’s up to him. He grabs Ryan’s hand with the phone in it, pulling it out his line of sight. And when Ryan’s eyes travel up to join his he leans right in and kisses him. 

More than how good that first kiss is, Brendon is struck by the overwhelming feeling of just how much sense this makes. He should have done this a long time ago.

‘About time!’ Spencer yells from across the garden, or it might be John. Brendon can’t tell and he doesn’t care either way. About time indeed. They pull apart, and Ryan makes a face at him. Brendon’s heart sinks.

‘What? Was that bad?’

Ryan shakes his head. He almost smiles. ‘No. It wasn’t bad. I don’t know…’ He turns his head and looks off to the side. ‘I’m just not like you, I guess. I never would have just done that.’

Brendon can see now that this is the best he’s going to get. Ryan’s just like this. But he’s okay with that. Now he knows where they stand he can work on their communication.

‘Good thing I’m not like you otherwise we’d never get anywhere,’ he says, grinning. He’s still holding Ryan’s hand kind of awkwardly, Ryan’s phone crushed between their fingers. He doesn’t want to let go just yet though.

‘Yeah,’ Ryan says. This time he really smiles. ‘Yeah, I guess so.’

A thought came into Brendon’s head, and he asked without thinking. ‘Ryan, did you really just burn the balloon because you wanted to stay with us?’

Ryan blinks, wrong footed, and then he winces, as if internally cringing. ‘Uh… I don’t know… let’s not talk about what I did on the island…’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I don’t know why,’ Ryan supplies, shrugging. He looks down at the ground. ‘It was a strange time…’

Brendon smiles reminiscently. ‘It sure was.’

‘You say that like it’s a good thing.’

‘Well, it was, wasn’t it?’ Brendon says. ‘Hey, if we hadn’t crashed on that island then we never would have got to know each other. And not just me and you, John and Spencer too. That is a good thing, isn’t it?’

Ryan nods, looking oddly sincere. ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right. It was good… it was simple. Maybe that’s why I wanted to stay. I don’t know… You know, for what it’s worth…’ He pauses, working himself up. ‘… I’m sorry for what I did. For burning the balloon. I guess that was pretty selfish.’

‘You should probably tell Spencer that,’ Brendon says, still grinning. ‘He’s the one who really wanted to kill you.’

‘Good to know.’

‘Yup.’

They lapse into a strange, but very familiar silence. And then Ryan wriggles his hand out of Brendon’s grasp and switches his phone over. He flexes his fingers for a moment or two. Brendon waits.

‘Are you going to hold my hand again, or what?’ 

‘Oh, give me a second,’ Ryan says sarcastically. ‘Are you always going to be this needy?’

‘Are you always going to be this cold?’ Brendon retorts. ‘Come on, I’m doing all the work here.’

Ryan grabs Brendon’s hand again, rolling his eyes. ‘Happy now?’

‘Very,’ Brendon says. He smiles. ‘Come on, let’s go join Spencer and John. They’ll want a whole big explanation.’

‘Great…’ Ryan mutters, but he follows when Brendon starts walking. Brendon doesn’t mind the way he’s acting. He feels sure of himself for once, because whatever Ryan might say from now own, he knows what’s in his head. The two of them have fallen into step after all this time. 

As they cross the garden, Brendon thinks he feels the first spit of rain, and he’s taken back to that day on the island, and Ryan and him dancing in the sand. Their feet shuffling through the grass echo the waves on the shore, and in his head the two of them keep dancing, and in real life Ryan’s holding his hand. Brendon can’t stop smiling. 

He glances sideways, and Ryan catches his eye. And Ryan’s own smile is vague and brief the way it always is, an echo of something, like the waves back on the beach. This half remembered feeling, somewhere faraway on an island. 

They don’t say anything, but they don’t need too. Brendon just holds tighter. 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who read this, or anyone who may read it in the future! I hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
